SEEING IS BELIEVING

Author: Becca
Rating: R
Pairing: You/Sands
Categories: Romance, Drama

Disclaimer: Damnit I still don’t own the rights to Once Upon a Time in Mexico, it’s so unfair, I would look after them I promise I would!

Summary: Sequel to "Fighting For Dominance". You spent all this time wondering and waiting, wishing that Sands might contact you and tell you he's ok but after months of nothing it seems like the time to give up and move on, that is until you find out that for some time he's been there nearby, wanting to see you but unable in more ways than one. It's only a pity that stubborn pride can get in the way of true love.

* * * * *

CHAPTER 1

“Sands?” you ask as you stand before the open door of your apartment, looking at the familiar male figure of your lover.

“In the flesh,” he replies with that familiar cocky attitude that you knew and loved so well. He looked no different from the last time you saw him in fact you wouldn’t have thought a day could have passed. His clothes were the same, his hair, his face, his eagerness to get you into bed as he firmly brings you against him and tilts his head to yours so that your lips lock in a searing kiss. Your heart flutters just as it does every time you’ve kissed in the past but now it is joined by a pounding inside your head, pain ripping through your mind so that you draw away from Sands opening your eyes… only to be faced with the ceiling of your bedroom and a stinking hangover.

“Fuck sake,” you mutter under your breath as you roll onto your front and nuzzle your head under the pillow to get away from the light coming through your bedroom window and the pounding in your head. It was not an irregular occurrence for you to wake up like this, after dreaming that Sands had come back to you like every day you hoped he would. Every time you would wake up and just wish that you could go back to sleep and be with him once again, even if it was just a dreamworld you were still together and you still felt loved and wanted. In real life you were feeling more alone by the day as you had no contact with him and hadn’t done for months.

Lately it had been worse though as the papers had been full of information about an attempted assassination of the president of Mexico and the death of a man named Barillo. Sands had mentioned his assignment before about how this is what it involved but surely if all this had happened his mission would be over with and he would return to you or at least get in contact to say he was alive. You had tried to ignore it for the couple of weeks knowing that Sands would probably leave it a while, he never acted like he was too desperate to see you so he would leave you hanging for a while you knew but now it had been over a month and you would have thought he would have called by now. This lead to all the fears you’d been trying to keep at bay every time he went away and many nights you went to sleep weeping over worries that he may not even be alive.

The papers never really said anything about how the CIA were involved in missions and so they offered no help to alleviate the great stress of not knowing how Sands was. You had no way of contacting the CIA itself and every time you’d tried Sands’ cell phone it had been dead… possibly like him.

Groaning as the pounding persists inside your head you rue the man who invented alcohol and for not the first time swear never to touch the stuff again. Last night as an escape from your depression you’d gone out with Alice your best friend and got incredibly inebriated, so much so that Alice had to drag you into the cab and then drag you out again and into bed in the wee hours of the morning as you were practically passed out.

The evening had started well enough, you’d gone to some bars in the city and had a couple of cocktails, nothing too strong and had been having a bit of fun just laughing and chatting. That had been until some random guy had come up to you and started flirting and you started thinking that he looked so much like Sands. He didn’t of course but despite the low volume of alcohol in the cocktails it was getting to you. You had chatted away with him and flirted a little and he had asked for your number but then when he had taken his phone out to program it in you had burst into tears. Just the casual flick of the wrist as he had flipped the phone open had reminded you of Sands lackadaisical demeanour and it was enough to send you over the edge to the pit of oblivion.

You tried to utter your apologies to the man you no longer could remember the name of and at first he had tried to console you but as you sobbed and started telling him how Sands should have called you by now and how he used his phone just like that he had seemed to have lost interest and had made an excuse to leave. You’d then spent the next hour crying on Alice’s shoulder as she had tried to soothe you and tell you that it would all be all right and that Sands would call and even if he didn’t you did in fact know that you were better off without him in the end. Alice is the one true friend who has always listened to you for many years and had patiently tried to give you advice after you had started dating Sands, she had been your shoulder to cry on on many incidents and had put up with your rants and raves about how unfair it was that you’d gone and fallen in love with a man that was so wrong for you.

You’d never been much of a complainer but sometimes it did get to you and Alice was always there and last night you had been incredibly grateful. After all the sobs had left your body and you had told her all your woes she had smiled, given you a hug and as usual told you it would all get better, you just wait and see. She even apologised for taking you out knowing that you were obviously upset about Sands but had hoped that it might be good for you and make you forget for a little while. You had smiled weakly and told her not to apologise and vowed to stop making such a spectacle of yourself and enjoy the evening. That’s where the trouble started.

For every thought that went through your head that made you want to cry you had another drink, moving on from the cocktails to tequila slammers and vodka shots. Needless to say it didn’t take too many of these depressing thoughts to make you fully pissed out of your mind and unable to remain in a perfectly still position even when seated. Alice who was really only on the verge of merry and was otherwise sober had in the end called a halt to it all and had called a cab, dragging you to it and piling you in. The journey back to your apartment had been thoroughly depressing as you passed places that reminded you of Sands and made you cry. You kicked yourself for breaking down like this but that you knew was the trouble with alcohol, it brought everything out and now the flood gates were open and refusing to shut again.

Sobbing once again Alice had helped you to your apartment, held your hair back as you’d been violently ill and had then helped you into bed. She had sat there with you for a while, passing you tissues and offering the only advice that she could give that it would just take time and you had to be patient but that Sands would come round eventually. In your drunken state you had started to believe her and fantasised about the day when you’d be reunited and you could see his beautiful smile and twinkling, mischievous eyes and eventually you’d fallen asleep with just those thoughts. Alice you figured must have crept out of the apartment soon after and returned to her own, probably a bit pissed off with having the evening ruined but you knew she wouldn’t hold a grudge, she stood by you and looked after you and you’d never really fallen out at all in all the years you’d known one another.

It is right now that you make a promise to call her and apologise for your antics, as soon as you’ve brushed your teeth thoroughly and had a long hot shower and a couple of paracetmol. Getting out of the bed and jabbing a finger at your pulsating temple you make your way to the bathroom and turn the shower on. Brushing your teeth you slowly find being awake becoming a little more bearable as the foul taste in your mouth disappears and as you strip from last nights outfit and climb into the hot shower you let out a small contented sigh as the water envelopes your body and soaks through your hair which feels thoroughly disgusting despite having been washed before you went out.

You take you time in the shower spending the next 45 minutes washing thoroughly trying to get rid of dirty feeling that getting completely smashed seems to leave. Finally feeling refreshed though still a bit worse for wear you wrap the thick fluffy bathrobe around you and tousle your hair dry with a towel before making your way to the kitchen and taking a couple of the much needed paracetmol to ease your throbbing head. Gladly the effects do not take long to sink in and within half and hour you’re feeling as well as you could be under your depressing circumstances.

Again you mentally kick yourself over feeling so hopelessly depressed and put the kettle on for a cup of coffee. Your stomach is growling for food but even the effects of the paracetmol aren’t working well enough to make you feel like eating as just the idea of it makes you want to throw up. Standing in the kitchen and looking out across the open area of the apartment you wonder about what you’re going to do. You know you can’t go on living like this, waking up every day in the hope that you’ll get a knock at the door and Sands will be standing there or a phone call from him saying that he’s coming to see you. You know that if he hasn’t called in a month when you know he’s most probably not working then it’s very unlikely that he’s going to call you at all.

Sighing you spoon the instant coffee into a large mug adding the usual two spoons of sugar and some milk before pouring in the boiling water and stirring. Taking the mug and going to sit down on the sofa you grab the cordless phone on the way so that you may call Alice and apologise as you’d sworn you would. Punching in the number you wait as the phone rings and smile as you hear her familiar voice seemingly almost as groggy as your own.

“So I wasn’t the only pissed one last night?” you ask taking a sip of the coffee.

“Not quite but I wasn’t as bad as you.” Alice replies through a yawn.

“You only just got up?”

“Uh huh, I got back kind of late after dropping you home and didn’t get much sleep after bumping into Alex.”

“Ah, he’s back then?”

“Unfortunately yeh, and now he’s gone again.”

“Why do we do it?”

“Do what?”

“Fall for men who pop round for the night and leave in the morning without a second thought.”

“I don’t know he’s just so…”

“Exactly.” To anyone in the outside world your conversation would be completely baffling but you and Alice knew exactly what was going through the others mind most of the time, which was why you are such firm friends. Alice had been dating a guy named Alex who lived in her apartment block occasionally as he was always moving from place to place and she just like you had fallen in love with the handsome wanderer. She unlike you didn’t have to worry about whether Alex was dead or not because he was a writer and that rarely involved much danger but she still understood the whole deal and could emphasise with your worries about Sands. She knew what it was like to feel left in the lurch and she too always seemed to fall for Alex all over again even when she’d told herself not to.

“We should really stop doing this,” she says with a sigh and you nod your head in full agreement despite the fact that she can’t see you.

“I know, we’re just gluttons for punishment.”

“Too true… well let’s put a stop to it.”

“And how do you propose we do that. You know just as well as I do how hard it is just to drop someone from your life and stop loving them.”

“I know but we have to. I feel like shit letting Alex use me yet again and you know what I also now know, he’s been seeing that stupid bimbo from the fourth floor, Dappy or Daphne or whatever her name is.”

“Well you knew he was an asshole to begin with just as I knew that this is how I would be treated by Sands, it’s just that there’s something about them that makes us let them back into our lives.”

“Well we have to stop it you know we do, you’ve been so depressed lately because of Sands not being around, far worse than any time before and it’s just going to end up completely taking you over and ruining your life. That guy last night who wanted your number was gorgeous and he was really interested in you but yet you’re blowing your chances because you’re still caught up with the asshole who doesn’t bother to phone you.”

“He’s not that bad,” you say as your lower lip trembles slightly. You knew it was quite a bastard thing for Sands to do but yet there was still that horrible ache in your heart that made you forget about it and forgive him.

“Oh come on you know he is. It’s been months since you last saw him, since you last heard from him at all and it’s not the first time it’s happened. I’m just the same with Alex I admit so I’m not trying to be a hypocrite which is why we need to do something about it.”

“But I don’t know what to do, I love him despite everything he’s done, despite the asshole he can be.”

“I know you do but I also know that it will end. You could find someone so much better than him to love and they would love you in return.”

“Sands loved me,” you mutter quietly. You’d never told Alice of Sands’ confession when he’d believed you to be asleep and now you really wanted to. Now you wanted her to understand why you couldn’t just move on and forget about him. You can’t tell her even though you trust her. You couldn’t tell her because it would just make all the hurt come flooding out and you’d be back to the sobbing mess of last night.

“No he didn’t, he acted like he did so that he could have sex with you that’s it. I never really got to know him but from the brief chance that I did get when he wasn’t trying to drag you away to bed I knew that he was the kind of guy who would just use you. After all he’s exactly like Alex.”

You smile to yourself at that particular notion, whilst both Sands and Alex seemed to enjoy using women that was where the similarities stopped. Whilst Sands was cocky with good reason Alex was just cocky because he knew that if women believed him to be confident then they would be more likely to sleep with him and it would only be later when they were thoroughly dissatisfied that they would realise what an idiot they’d been. This had been one of the reasons that had made you wonder why Alice kept letting him come back to her, if the sex was no good then what else did he provide? Somehow though Alice seemed to find something to love about him which is why she let him return and then cried when he left.

“Aren’t you tired of it coz I know I am,” Alice asks and you can’t help but let out a weary sigh.

“I suppose so.”

“I think it’s time to sit up, face the facts that these guys are no good for us and are just going to hurt us and go out and find someone far better. So what do you say to going out again tonight?”

“Tonight? I’m still feeling the effects of last nights escapade!”

“I know, me too but there’s a new bar opening and it will be full of lovely guys for us to find and make us forget about Alex and Sands.”

“I thought that was what was supposed to happen last night, I can’t say it went according to plan.”

“Well we won’t be drinking so much tonight.”

“God no, I don’t want to touch alcohol at all.”

“Well there we go then. Whilst in a completely sober state of mind you’ll be able to keep your chin up and have fun and find someone appropriate to date. Even if you’re not I’m looking forward to it.”

“I haven’t agreed to go yet!”

“Of course you have, as soon as you admitted that Sands was no good for you and that you’re tired of waiting around for him to come back to you you agreed to go. We’re going on a manhunt!”

“Poor things, they’ll be like cattle being led to the slaughter with you picking them out one by one.”

“We’ve already had the worst so now we need the best and if that means being selective then so be it.”

“Ok, ok. I don’t think I’m going to find anyone and I can’t promise to be fully in top of the world spirits but I’ll give it a go.”

“Brilliant, if you’re not going to be drinking then you can pick me up at eight, that way we won’t have to wait around for a cab later.”

“Sure, oh and Alice?”

“Hmmm?”

“Thanks.”

“What for?”

“Just being there for me and trying to talk some sense into this thick mind of mine.”

“It’s what I’m here for and always will be,” she says and you can tell she’s smiling making you do just the same.

“Ok well I’ll see you later then.”

“Yeh, bye!” and with that you hang up and finish off the coffee you’d been sipping on throughout the conversation. You’re not so sure about the good going out tonight will do but it can’t make you feel much more depressed than you have been already. You never know you might actually hook up with someone and Sands will just go flying from your mind completely!

* * * *

As you pull up outside Alice’s apartment at eight o’clock there are butterflies in your stomach making you feel queasy and rather nervous about the coming night’s events. Maybe it was too soon after last nights shenanigans to be going out again and there is still a chance that Sands might try and contact you, what if he does tonight whilst you’re out? He would try again… but maybe he might think you’d moved on and didn’t want to see him… why would he think that, he wouldn’t know you were going out to a bar… but he might guess being as it is a Saturday night and where else would you be… anywhere…

For the whole afternoon your mind had been waging war against itself and you were torn between going out or cancelling and staying to wait for the phone to ring. Eventually though you’d resolutely done your hair up nicely, put on some make-up and changed into a black halter neck, a tight pair of blue denim jeans, a pair of boots and a dressy black jacket, all finished off with a sparkling silver choker that dangled down from your throat towards your cleavage. Maybe that wasn’t the greatest of moves as it would draw people’s – see men’s- attention to your breasts and you did not want the first thing a guy to think of when looking at you to be sex. You were supposed to be going out tonight to find someone who could make good boyfriend material, someone to make you forget about Sands. You wanted to be in a proper relationship and now was the time to find someone with the same interests. Still you’d worn the choker as it gave you that extra bit of confidence in how you looked.

After parking your car and catching the elevator up to the sixth floor where Alice’s apartment is located you knock on the door and listen to the sounds of a large amount of scuffling and a yelp of pain. Frowning you knock again more loudly and are greeted with the door opening and a rather flushed looking Alice rubbing her bare foot.

“Stiletto heels can really, REALLY hurt especially when you tread on the wrong side of the bloody things,” Alice states and you can’t help but chuckle. “I’ll be ready in a minute once I’ve found the other one of these,” she adds waving the offensive shoe that she had trodden on and walking back into the apartment and rooting through piles of clothes on the floor.

“I see you’re keeping the place as neat as ever,” you say with a wry smile as you pick up items of clothing from the floor and hang them over the back of the sofa.

“Oh shut up Miss Neat Freak, it’s my mess and I like it this way.” You chuckle and wonder how Alice could in fact live like this and like it. You are a pretty tidy person though not to the extent that she sometimes makes out but compared to her you suppose your rituals of actually putting clothes into wardrobes and picking rubbish up must seem rather extravagant. “FUCK!” Alice yelps from across the room hopping madly.

“Found the other one?” you laugh as she picks up the other shoe from the pair after having trodden on it, wrong side up again.

“Yes,” Alice growls and proceeds to make her way through the mess and to the sofa where she flops down and ties the sandals around her ankles. They were pretty shoes but they looked as though they could be officially classed as torture devices after wearing them for a couple of hours. “Right, are we ready?” she asks standing up, smoothing out her cream floaty skirt and straightening the V-neck black camisole.

“Aren’t you going to be cold?” you ask eyeing the skirt and thin straps of the cami, it hadn’t exactly been very warm lately…

“Oh sorry grandma I shall go and get my thermal undies and a hot water bottle to take with us, I’m sure we could ask one of those nice young men behind the bar to fill it up when we get there although I suppose it might just be an altogether nicer idea for us to stay in and watch Who Wants to be a Millionaire,” she replies with a roll of her eyes as she grabs a chocolate brown suede jacket and puts it on, untucking her curly blonde hair from the back.

“I was only saying that you would get a bit chilly but now that you have your jacket you should be fine,” you reply and stick your tongue out at her.

“You should so be married with children by now,” Alice replies grabbing her handbag and ushering you out of the apartment as she shuts the door behind you.

“I know, I just haven’t found anyone who’s husband or father material yet.”

“No I certainly can’t see you ever dragging Sands down the aisle,” Alice laughs. “Sorry, I won’t mention him again,” she adds as she notices your expression having turned stoney and your silence at her remark.

“It’s ok I just… well tonight we’re supposed to be finding someone to distract us from them so I don’t want to think about him at all.”

“Ok, lets go to the farm!”

“Farm?”

“You said earlier the men would be like cattle… oh forget it,” Alice laughs and you can’t help but smile. The journey to the bar located along the river edge is filled with chatting about what kind of guy you will be looking for. Dark hair and dark eyes instantly comes to mind, someone with a bit of mystery… Sands. God damnit he still refuses to leave your thoughts! Finally after driving around the nearby car park for what seems like an hour you find a space and make your way to the riverside path, Alice teetering dangerously on her heels that she’s bought for £150 because she saw something like them on Sex in the City and HAD to buy them despite the fact that she wouldn’t be able to walk in them at all. In the case of these sandals you had high heels and then you had stilts.

The queues to get into the new bar named Affinity are surprisingly short and you can’t help but wonder if this would predict the future business. There are a fair few bars located in this area so a new one would have to cope with high competition and from the looks of things this just wouldn’t be able to meet the standards. Getting inside you start to see why, the décor is tacky with red leather and PVC all over the place teamed with black and white stripes and zebra print. Looking to Alice you can make out the disgusted expression on her face and even when she turns to you with a smile saying that you should go and sit at the bar and check out the guys there that she’s seriously considering moving to somewhere else.

However you both go and sit down at the bar, ordering an orange and passion fruit J20 for yourself and a Malibu and lemonade for Alice, it seemed that she wasn’t so adverse to drinking and as she wasn’t driving it didn’t matter. You spend the next half an hour sitting at the bar, commenting on any male that passes but it all seems to be to no avail. The club seems to be filled with couples or sleazy guys who are only after a one-night stand and some of them look as though they wouldn’t be adverse to getting it without consent. Affinity is definitely a bar to cross off your places to visit list and it’s quite a relief when Alice announces that this place is really not the right one and that you should move on to somewhere else.

Agreeing you make your way out of the crowds as the bar had started to fill up a bit and make your way along the river path towards some of the older bars and clubs. Passing some you chat away about Affinity and the lack of taste in décor that the manager must have. Also the occupants of the bar had caught both your attention and you place a small wager on how long you think it will be before the whole place is shut down, you saying one month and Alice saying one and a half.

Continuing to walk on as the bars and clubs you’ve passed so far have very long queues you stop for a moment and lean against the wall as Alice finally lets out a small scream and bends to untie the sandals.

“I’m an idiot.”

“Yep.”

“I shouldn’t have paid this much money for these bloody shoes that are impossible to walk in.”

“Nope.”

“And you’re so sympathetic.”

“Yep,” you agree with a smile as she rubs the balls of her feet. Looking down the path you’d come you see two men also leaning against the wall not far down, one looking vaguely familiar. Squinting you try to see them better in the diminishing light of the evening and your heart seems to leap to your throat as you think you recognise one of the pair, the one holding onto the others for support in a seemingly drunken manner.

“Sands?” you whisper, frowning slightly. What was he doing here, he must have seen you and if he had why hadn’t he called out. Who was the guy he was with… oh god he’s not gay and hasn’t contacted you for fear of having to confess it…

“What did you say?” Alice asks as she picks up her sandals and looks in the direction that you are.

“That… that guy… I think its Sands.”

“No… it can’t be, he would have seen you and said something if it was.”

“That’s what I thought but…”

“Well lets walk over there and try and get a better look, I’m sure it isn’t but we can try.” You nod your head and gulp, you wanted to see Sands so badly but now the thought of him being just a few yards away made your mouth go dry and your stomach feel queasy. “I think we’d better go back to the car anyway, you still have the flip flops I left in there don’t you coz I am not wearing these for the rest of the night.”

“Uh… yeh, I think so,” you agree. Steadily you start to walk in the direction you came in but as you do so you see the man that who you think is Sands clinging to lean in and say something and both quickly turn around and start walking away. Your heart is beating at a mile per minute as you wonder if maybe he saw you and didn’t want to speak to you but you can’t help the overwhelming desire to see him, to know that it is him and speak to him once again.

Alice calling your name is ringing through your ears as you break into a run to catch up with the two men.

“Sands?” you call as you run towards them, not caring about how strange you’ll seem if it turns out that the man is not Sands but some random stranger who looks like him. Instead of turning though the pair quicken their pace, fuelling your want to get to them further because you can’t figure out why they’d be practically running away of they didn’t know who you are.

As you get closer you can see the two men better and whilst you don’t recognise the slightly taller and broader shouldered of the two you most certainly know the other, even with his back to you.

“For fuck’s sake Sands I know it’s you!” you call out, tears welling in your eyes as you wonder why he would take so much effort not to see you. Just as you’re catching up with them they stop and you slow and stand right behind them. “Sands…?” you implore, waiting for him to turn and confirm your beliefs fully.

“Fuck,” you hear his familiar voice quietly say and as he turns the tears stream down your cheeks now that you’ve found the man that you’ve been longing and waiting for for so many months.

* * * * *

CHAPTER 2

* * * * Sands POV slightly earlier * * * *

This had to be one of the strangest and most horrible feelings Sands had felt in his life, so helpless and needy. His eyes were gone, bored out of his head for making one stupid mistake, one that he had thought he would never be such an idiot as to make it again, not after the consequences last time. He trusted the wrong person, the wrong woman and now he was quite royally screwed over. Admittedly he wasn’t dead, in these circumstances that would have been a blessing but no, he now had to live the remaining years of his life blind, relying on other people for support. Worst of all though was the fact that now he was like this, now that he was so damn helpless he could never face the woman he loved, he could never tell her what an idiot he had been and he could never look at her beautiful face.

It had all started on that terrible day in Mexico, the day of the dead when he had stumbled through the streets, blood trickling down his cheeks, his head woozy and the most sickening feeling inside his stomach. He could hear, touch, smell and taste, all these senses seemed more acute and tuned in than previously but the difficulty of not seeing; that was unbearable. By the end of the day as he’d leant against the wall, the small boy asking him to let him take him to a hospital he had wanted to say no, he’d wanted to slump to the floor and die, reminiscing about the beautiful sights he’d seen in his life and never could again.

She stood out the most; the twinkle in her eyes, the way her hair fell down her back, the curve of her lips when she smiled, that tiny mole she had on her left shoulder. Sands was surprised to find himself thinking of her face first, usually when he thought about her it would begin with her breasts but now they seemed less significant despite the perfection of the pair. Then again she was perfection, he could think of any part of her and know that there could be no better in the world. Now he felt sick to his stomach to know that these images of her would be the last ones he could ever see. He’d never be able to watch her change and age, he wouldn’t notice if she dyed her hair or was wearing make up.

If he couldn’t see her again properly then he thought maybe it would be best if he didn’t contact her at all, he knew that she would want to know that he was alive and well but was he? He didn’t feel well at all and far closer to death than he was to life. He wanted to curl up into a ball and just forget about it all, like a small child that had done something wrong and wanted to escape the scolding; he just wished he could run away. She wouldn’t blame him, she was too sweet to think anything of the sorts but he still couldn’t let her know he was like this.

What he did have to do though was know that she was ok; that she was getting on with her life and that she was happy. He didn’t know how he could be happy without her and felt a pain inside him when he thought that she could be without him but he knew that it was for the best. If he contacted her at all then she would want to meet with him and that could not happen, she could not see him like this. It would be better for her to have the memories of him when he was fit and healthy, when he had his goddamn eyes.

Eventually on the streets of Mexico he had passed out and from there he couldn’t recall much of what happened. The next thing he knew he was in a hospital or at least that’s what it seemed like, the smell of antiseptic and bleach was overpowering and he could hear the sounds of machinery buzzing and doctors and nurses talking. For a week he was told he drifted in and out of consciousness and during that time he was nursed back to health as much as possible. The bullets were removed from his body and the wounds were bandaged but nothing could be done about his eyes or lack of. Now all that remained of them were two gaping sockets and enough skin to sew over and cover them.

It hadn’t taken too long for his handler Agent Cooley to get in contact and tell him that due to the injuries he had sustained and the botched up job he had made of the assignment his services as a CIA agent were no longer required. He had wished him well and told him that he would be given a tidy sum of $15 000 in compensation but other than that there was nothing. Sands was completely indignant about taking the money, yeh it would be good to have another $15 000 added to his bank account but it seemed impossible that they had actually put a price on the fact that he had lost his eyes and was now out of a job with this disability!

After an hour long shouting match between agent and handler the nurses had eventually come in and told Cooley to leave and he had done so though not without telling Sands that this was all he could offer and that he’d better take it or he would be left with nothing. For the night Sands had wondered about it, whether to take the money and forfeit his pride or be stubborn and say fuck them all, he could live well enough without them. $15 000 was a fair amount of money though and to turn it down would be stupid even if it didn’t come close to compensating his loss.

It was more than his eyes that he lost in Mexico; he lost his love and his heart at the same time. He felt snubbed yet again just as he had done many years back and he felt like an idiot for letting it happen. He lost faith in himself and his capabilities and he lost his will to be alive any longer. There was only one person he wanted to stay around for and see again but he couldn’t because his stubborn pride would not allow it, what shreds of it remained intact anyway.

Returning to his apartment in LA with the help of a young carer named Mable who Sands efficiently managed to scare away after yelling at her once too often that he didn’t need her help, he had wondered about what to do next. He no longer had a job and though he had enough in his bank account to live well enough probably for the rest of his life he couldn’t spend his days just hanging around doing nothing. Where could he go though if he wasn’t in his apartment? LA was a huge city and he wouldn’t be able to make his way around well enough alone. He’d probably end up down some alleyway and get beaten by thugs, have anything worth stealing taken and then left to die. Maybe that wasn’t such a bad end after all, at least he would escape.

Then thoughts of her returned, the woman he had forced himself to forget about for weeks because he knew that if he did think of her then he would have to see her, or at least hear her or whatever he could do to know that she was alive. After a week of being alone and trying to take care of himself he had eventually resigned his pride and phoned Cooley, asking him to find out about someone who could help him out for a couple of weeks. He felt terrible doing it, every ounce of dignity he had left within him disappeared but he was desperate. He just needed to get to her, know that she was ok and then it would be over, then he would wander down that alley or throw himself off a bridge onto a motorway. He’d always believed suicide to be the coward’s way out and had no respect for anyone who did it but now… he had all his dignity taken from him anyway so what difference would it make.

Jethro had arrived a day after Sands call to Cooley and he seemed nice enough. From what Sands could tell he was a large man, sturdily built with broad shoulders and a height exceeding his own by a fair few inches. He’d kept as distant from him as possible, only asking him to go out to the shops for him and pretty much nothing else. After a couple of days of getting everything sorted and furniture in his apartment fixed that Sands had managed to break due to his stumbling around he’d told Jethro what he wanted to do, not the whole plans to commit suicide but his want to find his love. Jethro had been understandably confused when Sands had told him he didn’t want to actually meet the woman but wanted to be there beside her without her knowing. He wanted to keep his distance and just know that she was safe and then he would be content enough.

Tonight would be the seventh time he had followed her, he and Jethro had been waiting outside her apartment block and then followed her on to her friends place and then to the riverside bars and clubs. The first time Sands had done this he had thought it would be the last, that was until he heard her laugh and he knew that he would have to hear it again. The first time she’d been out shopping with her friend Alice and he and Jethro had followed them, keeping a safe distance with Jethro telling Sands of her actions. When they sat down for lunch he’d been able to get to a table nearby that was hidden from her view and had been able to listen to their conversation. It sent huge waves of guilt through him as she talked of her worries for him and didn’t know why he hadn’t contacted her when she thought he would have by now. He’d felt angry when Alice had commented that maybe he’d fallen in love with one of his Mexican floozies though she didn’t believe that to be possible for him and he felt like walking right over there and telling them that it was not the case and that the woman he loved was sitting right there. How could he do that though when he couldn’t even see her? All the guilt and anger was quickly replaced with that depressing feeling of being lost.

He and Jethro had left not long after, Sands couldn’t stand it any more to listen to her talking about him, saying that she missed him and that she would give anything to see him again. He felt the same, he wanted to see her so badly but it would never be possible. He couldn’t face her and tell her what happened, he couldn’t tell her that he got mixed up with that bitch Ajedrez with the belief that she was just some dumb brunette who might be just that little bit smarter than the rest enough to help him with the assignment. He couldn’t tell her how wrong he’d been and had been forced to pay for his mistake with the loss of his eyes. He couldn’t bear to have her pity him.

Still, after all these feelings slowly subsided to a distant ache he realised that one time of hearing her and being near her was not enough and over the next few weeks nor was the second, third, fourth, fifth or sixth times he came close to her. Every time he left with Jethro he would hate himself and feel those same feelings but every time just an hour later he would know that he would have to go one last time, or another time after that.

Sands and Jethro had been walking behind the two females for a steady time the only problem being that this time Sands was not quite sober. Jethro had explained to him what she looked like and he could hear him gulp quietly as he described the silver choker that dangled down her throat, just tickling the curves of her breasts. He felt envious of not being able to see it for himself and angry that there was so much appreciation for the beautiful sight in Jethro’s voice. From the sounds of things she was out looking for someone new, she was forgetting about Sands and moving on.

He had told himself so many times that this would be for the best, that she should do that and not pine over him but the reality of it actually happening was far worse than he had anticipated. It ripped through him like the bullets that had left their scars but hurt much worse. It wasn’t a physical pain it was an emotional one and the only way he could think to drown it out was to drink it away. He and Jethro had therefore stopped at one of the numerous bars and Sands had downed several glasses of Jack Daniels.

It was half an hour later when they left the bar, Sands medication also meeting with the alcohol causing some very strange effects.

“She’s just coming out of the bar,” Jethro says quietly as Sands tries to stand up straight feeling as though his head is spinning. “Shall we follow her?” he asks though pretty much knowing the answer already as Sands had not refused before. Sands nods his compliance and gripping onto Jethro’s arm as the world feels like it’s spinning beneath his feet the pair walk onwards following the two women a few yards ahead.

“Is she with anyone?” Sands asks, his voice edged with slight anger and trepidation. If she was with another man then tonight was definitely the last time and he was done for. He had plenty of pills to send him knocking at deaths door or even in his blind state he knew he could use his revolver to end his misery well enough.

“Only with Alice,” Jethro replies smiling to himself, it was amusing to hear Sands jealous of any possible new man on her scene even if he wasn’t going to be with her himself as he should be.

“Oh, good,” Sands answers trying to mask his relief. The pair walk on in silence for a while, Sands listening to everything around him; the chatter of people they pass, the gentle sloshing of the river, the music coming from the bars and clubs.

“They’ve stopped,” Jethro announces suddenly and both men halt their movements to comply with the two females ahead and remain the designated distance away.

“What are they doing?”

“Alice is taking off her shoes, I can’t say I’m surprised they look like they could kill, I certainly wouldn’t want to be hit by one, shit she’s looking.”

“She what?”

“She’s looking at us, she’s spotted us.”

“Well she can’t know it’s me from this far away… can she?”

“I wouldn’t count on it, it’s not that dark.”

“Really? I hadn’t noticed,” Sands replies wryly. Everything was darkness to him, every single second of the day and night was just pitch black.

“We’d better start walking back coz it looks like she’s heading this way.”

“Shit,” Sands mutters under his breath and turns to start walking back in the direction they came. This was not part of the plan, she was not supposed to know he was there and she most certainly wasn’t supposed to see him close up. He couldn’t bear to be near her even if it was what he truly, deeply wanted and he couldn’t allow her to see him like this. His heart races faster than any time in his life, adrenaline pumping through his system as all the sounds of the evening are drowned out as his sensitive hearing picks up her voice calling his name. God that sound was excruciatingly beautiful! No, no, no she could not get near to him, she would not see him like this, she would remember him as the man he once was, the man that disappeared the day he left her to go on that fucking mission.

“She’s running now…” Jethro states causing Sands to pick up his pace further, not quite running but still moving at a fair speed. Every single part of his body was saying flee quickly, sprint as fast as he could but if he did he would only end up running into something and falling, allowing her to catch up and take pity. No he would not stand for her pity!

“Shit, shit, shit,” Sands growls under his breath as he can hear her footsteps quickly getting closer and finally he knows that there is no way out. She’s following him and she won’t stop until she’s spoken to him, damnit why wasn’t he wearing a disguise… I am… Sands thinks to himself quietly. Taking a deep breath he holds out his hand to signal to Jethro to stop as he does the same, hearing her slow and stop behind him.

“For fuck’s sake Sands I know it’s you!” she says, her voice pleading and ripping through him like nothing he had ever imagined. There was nothing he could do but play it cool, if he acted as though she meant nothing then maybe she’d leave. “Sands?” he hears her whisper and if he could have squeezed his eyes shut he would have but instead he curses under his breath and slowly turns to her…

* * * * Your POV * * * *

“I knew it was you,” you choke out as Sands stands before you, adorned in the familiar black shirt, trousers and sunglasses.

“Hi,” he mutters quietly, his chin raised making him seem slightly aloof. The whole world seems to have been engulfed in silence as you stand there, he not making a sound and you remaining silent as well. You wanted to fling yourself at him and hug him but you couldn’t, you wanted to tell him how much you missed him but you couldn’t and you wanted to yell at him and tell him how hurt he’d made you feel but you… no that you could do.

“Hi.” You reply frowning and brushing the tears from your cheeks. You look to the man standing beside Sands quickly but he remains nonchalant to the situation so you decide not to say anything to him just yet. “So… erm… what exactly is going on?” you ask, not only questioning what Sands was doing practically running away from you but also the deeper meaning of why the heck he hadn’t called you in the past god knows how many months.

“What do you mean?” Sands asks, his tone flat.

“I mean what are you doing here, what are you doing running away from me, what are you doing with this man, what are you doing not contacting me at all, what the hell are you doing with your life in general?!” you blurt out, all hurt dissipating and being replaced with anger. The way he’s standing there and saying nothing, you would think he might have the decency to show the slightest bit of emotion towards you!

“They’re a lot of questions that I don’t have time to answer,” Sands replies making you absolutely bristle.

“Don’t have time? Well then make time, just a few minutes out of your busy schedule shouldn’t hurt, after all I haven’t heard from you in months.”

“Well you said it, busy schedule, don’t have time-“

“Shut up.”

“I thought you wanted me to answer-“

“I do but this isn’t the one I’m looking for, I don’t want you to stand here trying to dodge the questions instead I want to know what’s going on!”

“I told you I don’t have ti-“

“SHUT UP!” you yell making him flinch. “You have to give me answers Sands because I am not prepared to walk away from you just like you have done to me and not know what’s been happening. Don’t you care about me anymore?” Shit, now that was the question that Sands did not want to answer. “Don’t you care about the fact that I’ve been worried about you? It’s been in all the papers, all the stuff with the Mexican president and Barillo, I thought that was what you were going out there to sort out.”

“It was.”

“Then why didn’t you contact me when it was all over with, it was over a month ago.”

“I don’t know, I just, I didn’t…”

“You didn’t want to?” you ask, your voice cracking. You stand there waiting for his answer, waiting for him to tell you what you feared. That quiet I love you so many months ago had just been a momentary lapse in his life as a bastard, he didn’t care for you at all.

“Fucking hell do not run in bare feet!” Alice says panting slightly as you realise she’s run after you and finally caught up, still carrying the evil sandals in her hand. “Ah, Sands, lovely to see you” she adds, an edge of distaste in her voice but hidden fairly well as she knows that you wouldn’t approve of it if you were trying to reconcile with him and loved him the way you said you did. Sands barely nods his head in recognition and remains silent.

“You didn’t answer Sands,” you say quietly, begging for him to just get it over with and tell you he doesn’t care. If you were going to have your heartbroken it would be better sooner than later.

“No, I didn’t want to,” he replies after a moment’s silence, his voice as void of emotion as it had been so far.

“But why? I thought you cared about me…” you say, your voice quietly pleading.

“It was just sex, I thought you knew that.” He replies bitterly.

“It was not, you know it wasn’t! That’s what it began as but then…” you reply, furious that he could say such a thing when he knew it would hurt you so much. If it had just been sex then why would he say he loved you? You’d sometimes suspected it but now that he was saying the words they were too difficult to believe, there was an edge in his voice that told you something was amiss.

“It’s what it began as and what it always was. It was never anything more, you may have thought so but I didn’t ok, just drop it.”

“Like you’re just dropping her huh?” Alice interjects, her voice dripping with venom.

“Exactly,” Sands practically spits. “I didn’t want to see you tonight, I thought it would be best not to see you at all and at least then you’d think I might have felt something before and wouldn’t be quite as hurt but now you know, I don’t. You brought it on yourself.”

“I… I what?” you ask indignantly. This can’t be happening, he can’t be acting like this towards you he just can’t. He can be an asshole sometimes but not like this, this is just evil, this is just like some satanic torture!

“Just leave me alone. I don’t want to see you,” he replies starting to turn away.

“But you do, you care for me!” you say loudly, desperation clearly showing in your voice but you don’t care, not now, not when the man you love is walking away from you.

“No I don’t, I already told you. Jethro we’re leaving.” He says firmly proceeding to walk away.

“Then why did you say you loved me?!” you all but scream at him. You didn’t want him to know that you had heard but you could think of nothing else and it was out of your mouth before you could stop it. You watch as Sands stops in his tracks, seemingly considering your words.

“Momentary phase,” he calls back and continues walking leaving you fuming. That’s not true, that can’t be true…

“I don’t believe you!” you shout at him, briskly walking towards Sands and Jethro as they try to walk away.

“Believe it woman coz it’s the fucking truth,” Sands yells back spinning on his heels quickly to face you.

“It can’t be!”

“Well it is and there is nothing you can do about it!”

“Let’s go, he’s a bastard, you can do better,” Alice says from just beside you, tentatively placing her hand on your shoulder.

“No, he’s lying. You said you loved me Sands and it was the truth, otherwise why would you only do it when you thought that I couldn’t hear, that wasn’t just a phase and you know it. You held me Sands and you said you loved me, heartfelt confessions like that only come from a man who’s truly in love and true love does not end. You’re lying.”

“Just leave it ok, I don’t want to see you anymore why can’t you just accept that?”

“Because I love you!” and there goes your mouth saying words before your head has a chance to think them through, shit, fuck, shit.

“You what?” Sands asks, his voice quiet and almost nervous.

“I love you, I said it. I can admit I love your sorry ass Sands and it’s practically killed me not knowing where you are, how you are, hell whether you’re alive or not.” You say firmly, you’d got the initial part over with so now you might as well carry on.

“Well you shouldn’t.”

“Shouldn’t, wouldn’t, couldn’t doesn’t matter with love Sands, I just do and nothing can change that. I know you’re lying to me.”

“And what if I am, it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want to see you anymore.”

“But why? If you care about me and love me then why would you want to leave me?”

“Please just let it rest, it is what it is.”

“Oh fuck that, it is not what it is! There is more to it and you’re just not telling me!”

“Maybe because I don’t want to!”

“I don’t care if you want to or not I want to know, I deserve to know! You’ve kept me in the dark this bloody long-“

“You don’t know what being in the dark is like,” Sands cuts you off. You both stand there for a moment, neither speaking as the world seems to have stopped. You’re quite aware that numerous eyes are watching the scenario as it unfolds; you’re providing some exceptional entertainment after all. “Please, just let me leave and forget about me, I want nothing more to do with you and you should feel the same.”

“But I don’t.”

“Why not? I’ve used you, I’ve slept with other women, I’ve been the biggest asshole to ever walk this planet!”

“I love you Sands despite that, because of that in some ways. I love you for you and everything you’ve done despite how it’s hurt,” you reply, tears rolling down your cheeks. “That’s what love is.”

“Oh please just stop and go get a job at Hallmark,” Sands sneers causing your eyebrows to shoot upwards as he’d just shot down the heartfelt words.

“You’re such a fucking bastard Sands” Alice says bitterly, there was no need to hold her feelings back now, not when he was acting like this. “Don’t you see that she cares for you, don’t you see how much you’ve hurt her?”

“No,” Sands replies his voice strangely edged with a pang of longing as it cracks slightly. You frown as you look at him, realising that the shades he wore are darker than usual, so dark that you couldn’t see his eyes at all. His expression remains cold and you can’t help the strange feeling of wonder that rushes through you. He’s hiding something you can tell but you just don’t know what…

“Fine, I’ll leave,” you say firmly, biting on your lower lip as Sands lets out a small relieved sigh. “If you can look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me.”

“What?”

“You heard what I said. Look me in the eye and say you feel nothing for me, that you’re going to leave and will never regret it.”

“This isn’t some nineteen-thirties black and white romance-“

“Just do it.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?” you say, fully prepared for any bullshit excuse that Sands could offer.

“Why not?” he repeats, his eyebrows rising slightly as he lifts his hand to take of his shades. He didn’t plan for this to happen, he didn’t want you to see it but if this is what it takes to make you leave he would do it. Maybe the sight would make you feel so sick that you’d run a mile away from him. One could only hope. “Because I have no eyes,” he says quietly, taking the shades off and standing there before you… without any eyes. All that is there in replacement of the beautiful chocolate brown orbs is skin, pulled taught over the sockets.

“Fucking hell,” Alice mutters quietly and for the first moment in your life you feel like slapping her. It was you supposed though the appropriate response you are just too shocked to say it.

“I’m so sorry…” you manage to murmur and see the slight grimace that passes across Sands' features.

“Yeh, me too.” He replies. And there’s the pity, he thinks to himself, the one thing he did not want from you. “So here we are; I have no eyes and I don’t love you, I don’t care for you and I want you to leave me alone.” He says coldly as he puts the shades back on.

“No…” you manage to say as your mouth feels as dry as the Sahara desert. “No you don’t have eyes but I still don’t believe that you don’t love me.” You add, your voice now stern and resolute.

“You need to stop fooling yourself then.” Sands replies as he turns away again and starts walking, the man he called Jethro doing the same. You bite your lip and stand there watching him, this wasn’t over but you had nothing left in you to say right now. This was certainly a revelation, Sands had lost his sight but it changed nothing. You still loved him and you’re sure as hell not going to leave him alone. He might not be admitting it right now but he did love you, you’re certain of that.

* * * * *

CHAPTER 3

The midnight moonlight finds you still lying awake on your bed in the dark, the feeling of dried tears lingering on your cheeks, your eyes tired and your heart aching. Ever since Sands walked away the hurt you had felt before had grown ten times worse, so much so that the dull ache that was once there now feels like a searing pain through your chest, and it’s impossible to stop tears from falling.

Initially you’d felt numb, you’d watched Sands as he walked away and declined Alice’s comforting hug, continuing to stare after him. You had told her almost straight away, as soon as you found your voice that you wished to go home. She understood and the pair of you had made your way back to the car, silence engulfing you as you walked. On several occasions Alice tried to make conversation, often starting by insulting Sands in some way but with all the thoughts running quickly through your mind you hadn’t heard a word, and eventually Alice had realised this and succumbed to silence herself.

Reaching the car park you’d driven to her apartment, though she offered to come to yours and stay with you, or that you could stay with her so that you weren’t alone. You’d told her that you were grateful for the offer but right now your own company was all you wanted, there was too much going through your mind that you needed to sort out alone.

You had accepted Alice’s hug then and promised that you’d be alright and that you’d call her the next day, and from there you’d driven to your apartment. Upon reaching the car park and stopping the car you’d burst into tears though. Throughout your journey you recalled the last night you spent with Sands, the journey back to yours and the events to follow. Sitting in the car you had closed your eyes as tears had rolled down your cheeks, and as you sat there with your arms folded on top of the steering wheel, your head buried in them, you could almost feel him beside you. You could feel the way he had gently run his hand up your thigh, you could feel the way he touched you, you could hear his voice low and husky, telling you how much he wanted you. But then as you had opened your eyes he wasn’t there and now he acted as though he didn’t want you at all.

For a long time you had sat in the car, letting the quiet sobs rack your body as you thought of him. Eventually as the sobs lessened a little you had managed to get out of the car, had locked it up and had made your way to the lobby of your apartment building. Putting the key in again you recalled fleeting images of that time before, and as you stepped inside and waited for the lift you remembered how last time Sands had kept you quite occupied.

The chime of the bell as the lift arrived had sent small shudders through your body, shudders of queasiness making you feel as though you wanted to vomit. As you stepped inside you had leant against the wall, the steel cold against your back even through the fabric of your jacket and top. You’d attempted to hold the sobs within you but as you continued to do so you found that this only led to a fit of choking that continued all the way through the short journey to your apartment and up until you managed to get inside and drink some water.

From then you’d slumped to the floor, glass in hand and had sat there, allowing the sobs to run through you yet again. It was silly how much you had cried in the past few weeks, you didn’t even realise it was possible to do so, so much but here you were sitting on the floor, tears streaming down your face gasping for air. Eventually you’d just sat there, your throat dry but you felt unable to even move to bring the glass of water to your lips. That was when the numbness had begun again. As you sat there everything turned into nothing, you didn’t feel anything and weren’t really aware of anything happening around you. Even as the glass slipped from your hand and fell to the floor, spilling it’s contents though luckily not breaking as the drop wasn’t far from your sitting position, you hadn’t been aware of it.

Time passed onwards and eventually you’d managed to stand up. Stepping over the glass and puddle of water you’d managed to make your way towards your bedroom. There you had proceeded to sit on the bed, propping the pillows up against the headrest and sitting with your back against them and your knees drawn to your chest.

This is how you remain now, sitting in the same position staring across the room at your bureau. For hours you had been sitting there, thinking about what you’re going to do. This new revelation was a shock and as you had sat there it had sunk in more, initially when Sands had told you, nay shown you, you’d felt numb, but now as time passed that feeling started to subside and you could feel shock and worry pass through you. Then all the questions started flooding your mind, wondering as to how it had happened, wondering what he was going to do, wondering who Jethro was, wondering about everything and anything.

For hours you sat there pondering what action you could take, you knew that Sands had said he didn’t love you, you could recall very well his cold attitude, but there was something there telling you it wasn’t right. For a fleeting moment you wondered if it was only your own desperation talking, that you were being blind and creating false hope when there was nothing there. You knew Sands though and that feeling was pushed aside quickly. Despite the way Sands acted you knew that he wasn’t telling the truth, you could hear it in his voice and see it in his stance. He was scared, of what you don’t know but you do know for certain that what he said to you was not the truth.

Why would he lie to you though? Now that question you hadn’t found an answer for. The best conclusion you could come to was that he was doing so out of pride, that he didn’t want you seeing him like this. You knew now though, why would he bother to carry it on? These questions needed to be answered and you resolved within yourself that you would find out. How you were going to get in contact with Sands again you were not sure but you would somehow.

In time all your musings had subsided and you’d found your eyes becoming heavy, begging for you to succumb to the darkness of sleep. Since then you’ve been sitting there, your eyes closing on occasions but usually resolutely remaining open. You’re not awake and you’re not exactly asleep either; you’re drifting between the two worlds.

A sharp ringing in your ears resounds through the apartment now, pulling you fully into the land of the living. It takes you a moment to register what the ringing is but quickly you come to realise that it is the phone. Getting off of the bed you quickly walk through to the living area and pick the phone up from it’s hook on the wall, answering it in a slightly groggy voice and wondering why anyone would be calling so late.

“Uh hi, it’s Jethro.” Says a male voice. “Sands' erm… friend.” He adds. It takes you a moment to realise who the man is but as soon as you do your brow furrows into a worried frown and your heart starts beating heavily.

“Hi, is everything ok?” you ask. You don’t know why he would be calling you, especially at this time, he doesn’t know you after all so something must have happened with Sands, and something that makes it so that Sands can’t stop him from phoning you as you’re sure he wouldn’t allow it.

“Uh, not exactly… Sands is… look can you come over, I’ll explain it when you get here.”

“Get where, are you staying in a hotel?” you ask. Whenever Sands had been in the city he had stayed in a hotel of some sorts, usually somewhere quite classy and on most nights with Sands you’d been allowed to take advantage of the luxuries the plush suites could offer.

“No, his apartment.” Jethro answers, his tone slightly bemused as to why you would think him to be staying in a hotel.

“He has an apartment?” you query.

“Yeh, I think he’s had it for years.” Jethro replies. “Look, I really think you need to get over here, quickly.”

“Alright, where is it?” you ask, pushing aside your thoughts of why Sands would hide the fact that he actually had a place to live in, in the city. Short moments later you’re in the car, the address memorized and your foot hard on the accelerator. Jethro didn’t explain what was going on but the tone of his voice told you he seemed quite desperate, something must have gone very wrong for him to call you and now your imagination is working overtime trying to think of what it is.

It doesn’t take you very long to come to the street Sands apartment is located on, especially as it’s so late and there’s very little traffic on the roads compared to usual. Along both sides of the street are blocks of apartments and it takes you a little while to find the right one as you cruise slowly down the road. Finally finding it you park in an available spot next to the sidewalk and get out, lock the car and make your way towards the lobby. Stopping as you reach the entrance you buzz the button for the number Jethro gave you and are instantly greeted with the sound of the front door unlocking. Stepping inside you make your way to the elevator, only finding an ‘out of order’ sign stuck to the doors. Sighing in annoyance you then go to the door of the stairwell and proceed your journey up to the fourth storey.

Since last earlier in the evening you haven’t changed your clothes at all, and the same goes for your shoes so three flights of steps isn’t so easy or comfortable to work with, and by the time you get to the top your feet are aching a fair bit. Whilst the heels on your boots are quite moderate compared to Alice’s sandals they’re still not the most comfortable things in the world, and climbing stairs with them just added to the pain at the balls of your feet.

As you walk down the corridor noting the numbers on the doors it doesn’t take you long to find out where Sands apartment is, you don’t even need to find the right number as you can hear him shouting and swearing at Jethro for some reason. Well that concludes that he is at least alive and conscious, you think wryly. Your worry is piqued further and your aching feet are forgotten though as you hear a smash so quickening your pace you find the appropriate door and rap loudly on it. Receiving no answer and hearing yet another crash you start to worry your lower lip, Sands is most definitely alive but something certainly isn’t right in there.

“Jethro… Sands…? It’s me…” you call loudly, listening to all the sounds coming from the apartment. You wonder how nice Sands neighbours are and whether you’re going to be confronted by some angry old woman, complaining about the noise. Luckily before any such incident can occur the door opens and you’re faced with Jethro frowning, though as he sees you it diminishes.

“Thanks for coming,” he says and ushers you inside, shutting the door as you step past. Looking around the apartment you’re instantly faced with what seems to be a living area, a fair bit smaller than yours and rather messier. Furniture seems to have been tipped up all over the place and as you walk onwards you hear a crunch beneath your foot and looking down you find the remnants of a glass.

“Sands?” you voice as you continue to tread your way carefully through the mess, trying to find where he is. He’s not in the living area and the scuffling about seems to be coming from one of the doors to the right. Gently you try to push it open but as soon as you’ve opened it a crack it’s slammed shut again from the other side, quite obviously by Sands. “What’s going on?” you query, looking to Jethro who is standing meekly watching.

“We got back after seeing you earlier and… well he decided to have a drink or two and I tried to stop him but… well the alcohol doesn’t mix well with the medication he’s on so he started to go a bit… weird.”

“How weird?” You ask. You know that you’re not supposed to drink alcohol pretty much with whatever medication you’re on, but with the pills Sands must be taking which you suspect to be quite strong you can’t even begin to comprehend the consequences.

“I told you not to fucking call her!” you hear Sands shout and as you try the door again you can feel his bodyweight pressing resolutely against it. Ignoring him you look to Jethro, waiting for his explanation.

“Well at first he wasn’t too bad, it just seemed like he got a bit tipsy more quickly than a person usually would, but then even after he stopped drinking he got worse.” Jethro says, his voice quite quiet and his tone despondent. You don’t know what relationship Sands has with this man but it seems as though Jethro does at least care for him, maybe he was supposed to be looking after him due to his injuries. “I think it dulled down his senses a lot so he found it even more difficult to move about,” Jethro continues, and looking around you, you can guess that this is the reason for the upturned furniture. “And after a while he started muttering to himself that he would end it.”

“Will you stop talking about me like I’m not here, I can fucking hear you, you know, I’m blind not deaf!” Sands voice comes loudly from the other side of the door.

“Well I want an explanation Sands so if you want to give it to me then that’s fine.” You call back.

“No, I want you to leave and take him with you!” Sands responds angrily. Sighing you shake your head and motion for Jethro to carry on.

“I kept my eye on him but he started rooting through the cupboards for his medication and I realised what he was trying to do…” Jethro says, his eyes filled with sadness. Your eyebrows shoot upwards in shock, taking in his words.

“He was trying to kill himself?” you whisper, your breath hitching in your throat as Jethro nods his agreement.

“I had to stop him so I had to get him away, he wouldn’t listen to reason so… I physically had to move him… he wasn’t too happy with that.” Jethro continues sheepishly. “He started getting angry and violent and for the past twenty minutes he’s been yelling at me to get out and has been searching for his gun.”

“Where is it?” you ask quickly. God, if Sands got his hands on the gun then you don’t even want to think about what would happen. Looking to Jethro and waiting for an answer you watch as he walks across the room, past you towards a doorway at the end. Knowing that Sands isn’t going to allow you in anytime soon you leave your position at the door and follow Jethro, walking into a small kitchen area. Reaching up to one of the wall cabinets Jethro brings down Sands gun from where it had been hidden on top of it.

“I took it a little while ago, I knew that he was starting to get a bit… funny lately so I thought it would be best if I kept it out of the way. I was going to get rid of it completely but I wasn’t sure so I hid it.” Jethro explains. You nod your head in acknowledgement and watch as he puts it back on top of the cabinet, your attention quickly being drawn away as you hear a door opening in the living area.

“Have you gone?” Sands calls out, his tone hopeful though still edged with anger.

“No, I’m right here.” You say, standing in the doorway between the kitchen and lounge.

“Well I don’t know why.” Sands spits vehemently, standing and facing you having just come out of the room.

“Because Jethro called me.” You reply.

“I told him not to.”

“It was for your own good.”

“I don’t see how you’re doing me any good at the moment.” You remain in silence for a moment, looking at Sands who looks far more dishevelled since the evening. “I told you before I don’t want to see you.” He says, his tone sounding slightly deflated and weary.

“Well I decided to ignore that.” You tell him and begin to walk across the room towards him.

“Stop.” Sands says quickly, obviously picking up your approaching footsteps.

“Why?” you ask softly, stopping a couple of metres away from him. Closer now you can see that rather than the black shirt being open it was actually ripped, and you could see a long graze making it’s way across his chest just below his collarbone. “Sands you’re hurt.” You say, trying to walk towards him again only to find him stepping backwards.

“You think?” Sands asks sarcastically. “Look, I’m fine, I can sort myself out and there’s no need for you or Jethro to be here.” He says calmly. Though his tone is fairly composed as you look at him you can see droplets of sweat dotting his skin and his body trembling.

“I’m not leaving Sands, I can’t just leave you like this.” You tell him, adamant that unlike him you’re not just going to walk away, as much as he says he wants you to.

“I said I can look after myself!” he shouts causing you to flinch. You’d never seen Sands this angry before and the way in which he’s trembling scares you a lot. You don’t know whether it’s due to his anger or possibly because of the effects of his medication mixing with the alcohol. Taking a deep breath you shake your head though you know he can’t see it and step towards him once again.

“Sands you need to sit down.” You tell him softly, trying to reason with him a little. You’re here for a reason and you’re not going to leave until you think he’s in some kind of stable frame of mind.

“I don’t need to sit down, if you don’t get out then I need my fucking gun.” He growls causing your eyebrows to shoot upwards in surprise.

“So what, if I don’t leave you’re going to shoot me?” you query, your tone flat. “I don’t think so Sands, you wouldn’t hurt me like that.”

“Well darling with all this shit running through my system I don’t think I’m in the frame of mind to really give a shit about what I do or really be in control of it.” Sands retorts. You can’t help but flinch at the vehemence in his voice and as every minute passes you can feel your heartbeat quicken. You’re scared, there’s no denying that but you can’t back away.

“Well you’re not going to get your gun so you’re stuck with me,” you say calmly though inside you’re shaking.

“Why can’t you just leave me alone? You’re pathetic you know that, waiting around for me when you know I really don’t give a damn about you?” Sands says, his tone low and icy. Glaring at him you have to fight back the urge to scream at him, knowing that having two hot-tempered people would not be good for the situation.

“I’m pathetic?” you ask him softly, your own voice dropping in volume. “Well I’m not the one getting hysterical here and screaming for people to leave me alone.” You retort, watching as Sands seems to do a double take at your words. You know that they’re cruel but so far it’s the only way you can think of to keep him occupied, if he’s arguing with you and it lasts long enough hopefully he’ll just get too tired and give up, knowing that you’re not going to leave.

“I am not hysterical.” Sands growls, frowning at you. You know that at this point in time if he had his eyes they would be black, the usual chocolate brown pupils always darkened when he came across some passionate emotion and now you know would be one of those occasions. Instead though all you can see is the pair of sunglasses, hiding what’s left of his eyes away.

“Well all this yelling, smashing things up and requests for your gun sounds pretty hysterical to me.” You admit, chiding him on. Sands takes a deep breath as you watch him, his stance straight backed and defensive.

“I just want to be alone.” He says, forcing his tone to be calm and collected.

“I’m sorry but that’s not possible.” You tell him, matching his coolness.

“If I ask you nicely will you please go?” he tries, his expression hopeful.

“No.” you reply resolutely. In a frame of time too quick for you to comprehend you find yourself on your back on the floor, Sands weight on top of you having attempted to stride across the room in an attempt to physically get you out the door, but unable to gauge the fact there is furniture all over the place. Yelping in surprise as you had made contact with the hard floor it doesn’t take long for Jethro to get to you having quickly moved from his position in the kitchen doorway.

“Fuck sake Sands!” he says angrily, ‘helping’ him off of you as he swears under his breath.

“Oh fuck you!” Sands yells but to whom you don’t know. “I can’t fucking do all of this alright, I can’t live like this, not with you, not with anyone!” he continues to shout, seemingly directed at Jethro. “I can’t be around you either, I am no use to you like this and… and you’re no good for me, I just need to be alone!” he continues to rant, now facing you.

“What do you mean you’re no use to me?” you ask, picking yourself up from the floor. “Sands it’s not a question of whether I can use you for something.” You try to tell him but even as you speak you can see him shaking his head and clenching his jaw.

“You just don’t understand, no one does, you don’t know what it’s like.” He says quietly. “I don’t want to go on like this, I don’t want to be helpless, this isn’t me, this isn’t how I work and this isn’t how I live my life.”

“I’m sorry Sands but this is the only life you’ve got, you either accept that or end it.”

“That’s exactly what I was trying to do.” He says quietly, almost so quietly you can’t hear it. You feel tears prickle your eyes as he stands before you and you can do nothing to stop your instincts as you step towards him, wishing more than anything in the world to comfort him, and take all his pain and grief away.

“You’ve got to stop this…” you whisper causing him to flinch at the closeness of your voice, seemingly having not realised that you had moved nearer to him. As he shakes his head you gently bring your hand to his face, trying to still his movements. “Sands, listen to me, you’ve been through a lot of shit but you’re alive, you’ve lost your eyes but you still have me, please let that be enough, please let that be something to live for.” You murmur quietly, pleading with him.

“I can’t cope.” His says quietly, his voice cracking. As you stand there you can see his body trembling, beads of sweat forming little rivulets dripping down his skin.

“You don’t have to go through it alone.” You whisper, gently stroking the skin of his jaw as you continue to try and keep him facing you. For a moment you believe that he’s given in, he doesn’t say anything and the world seems to be lost to silence.

“I don’t want your pity.” Sands says abruptly, turning his head quickly out of your gentle grasp and attempting to move away. Yet again though as he moves he knocks into the edge of the coffee table and proceeds to fall right across it, landing on his stomach. You shout his name in concern as you see him fall, quickly kneeling down beside him. Jethro quickly comes to kneel beside you too and as you see that Sands is not moving for himself you attempt to turn him over. As you try to roll him over he feels like a dead weight and as with Jethro’s help you finally manage to turn him over you find him to indeed be unconscious.

“Shit!” you mutter quietly, moving towards where Sands’ head is now lolling back at the end of the table and checking his pulse. In very short moments his body seems to go into some kind of spasm until before your eyes he begins to writhe on the table, his jaw clenched shut and his muscles taut.

“Fuck, he’s having a fit.” Jethro says, his voice edged with fear.

“I’ll call an ambulance.” You state, quickly standing.

“No wait, help me to get him to the bed, we can’t leave him here and he’ll be safer there with less chance of injuring himself.” Jethro replies, his tone urgent but calm. You nod your head in agreement and upon Jethro’s commands you make your way to Sands feet as he goes to his head. At the same time as Jethro you manage to lift Sands up, you taking the weight of his legs and Jethro taking most of his upper body as he hooks his arms under Sands’. Carefully you make your way around any furniture and manage to push the door to the room Sands had earlier been blocking open. Stepping in you find this room to be in a similar condition to the rest of the apartment, but the bed at least is clear so you’re able to lie Sands down on it with Jethro’s help.

“What do we do now?” you ask, wiping your brow, the effort of carrying Sands even if it wasn’t his full weight not being an easy one, especially as his body continues to convulse.

“We need to keep him cold.” Jethro states. “If he burns up he could get brain damage.” He adds causing you to look at him, eyes wide with shock. “Don’t worry, we’ll do what we can for now and then I’ll call an ambulance.” He says, obviously trying to soothe your profound worry but the idea of Sands having brain damage is not something that can be pushed aside very quickly. Gulping back the lump that’s formed in your throat you nod, trying to determine the situation.

“Ok, so how do we keep him cold?” You ask, trying to get into some kind of calm and efficient mode whereby you’ll be able to help Sands rather than panic as all your insides seem to be doing.

“Take these,” Jethro says as he goes to a chest of drawers and removes some bed sheets, “and soak them in cold water in the bath.” Handing the sheets to you he nods towards a door you’d so far not noticed on the wall behind you, apparently leading into the bathroom. Quickly you make your way inside and find this to be the one and only vaguely neat room, aside from the smashed mirrors in the bathroom cabinet and the packets of pills that have fallen from it into the sink. You can see at a quick glance though that most are full so Sands couldn’t have taken many and you’re sure Jethro would have stopped him from going overboard with them. Running the cold tap in the bath you pile the dark blue sheets in, quickly trying to get them soaked through. As you wait you look around and see that there is another door leading into the main area of the apartment that you know can’t be far from the one leading into Sands’ bedroom. Looking through the open door from the bathroom to Sands’ room you can see Jethro attempting to take Sands shirt off but finding it difficult due to his shaking.

“Is he going to be alright?” you call in, fearful for what would happen to Sands now. You’d never been in a situation such as this before and had no clue as to what needed to be done and what could happen. Death would be the ultimate penalty, that is the only thought that lingers in your mind and does not help to quell the panic within.

“He should be. I know it seems pretty extreme at the moment but I don’t think he’s too bad, he didn’t drink that much and I don’t think he managed to take any more pills than usual. If we’re going to get him cold though we’re going to need to get his clothes off so you can leave those in the bath for now and give me a hand if you like. I’m sure you’re used to stripping him more than I am.” He replies, his tone slightly jovial, obviously trying to lighten the mood.

Leaving the sheets to soak through you go into the bedroom, a small amused smile upon your lips at Jethro’s comment.

“If I hold him down and stop him shaking which seems to be dying down a little anyway, then you can get everything off.” Jethro states as you stand by the bed.

“Everything?” you ask, your eyebrows rising slightly.

“Yeh, you’ve seen it all before right?” he asks, that jovial tone still present as he smiles to you warmly.

“Yeh… but… have you?” you ask, embarrassed more for Jethro than yourself.

“No, but this is my line of work, I look after people and sometimes that does involve getting them naked.” He says, going to the top of the bed and holding Sands shoulders firmly to the mattress.

“So are you Sands’ carer or something?” you ask as you take your position at Sands side and start unbuttoning his shirt. The fabric you can feel is already damp and as you peel it away you find his skin to be clammy in a cold sweat.

“Yeh, they assigned me to look after him, though he doesn’t like it.”

“They... you mean the CIA?”

“Yeh, they left him alone for a while but he got into too much of a mess so they sent me in to help out. Believe me he doesn’t like the situation one bit.” Jethro answers with a wry smile.

“He’s too proud for his own good.” You mutter, finally reaching the last buttons of his shirt and un-tucking it from his trousers. Peeling back the shirt you can’t help the familiar inward churning of your stomach that always seems to arise at the sight of Sands gloriously naked, though new scars seemingly formed by bullets adorn his skin. Even though his form is convulsing and there’s a sheen of sweat across his skin he still looks attractive, in fact it only serves to remind you of past experiences with him that have led him to be just as hot and sweaty, and writhing around a bit too. You can’t hide the little smile that turns your lips up either as you proceed to undo the cannabis leaf belt that seems to be the only kind Sands owns, you know if he were awake right now he’d be enjoying this… though maybe not with Jethro in the room… and he’d probably want his eyes in their sockets…

With that thought in mind all your memories seem to run away and only the present and future possibilities come to mind. Things are different now and you don’t know if they will ever be like they were. Sands’ new predicament doesn’t bother you, it’s different and will take some getting used to but you could adjust to it. Sands attitude however seems to be very different; he seems to believe that this is the end of the line for him and his relationship with you, and that he can go no further.

You’ve known from your time together that Sands could be stubborn and proud, he was too proud it seemed to admit that he loved you so it doesn’t exactly come as a surprise that he is acting in the way he is. It does hurt though, you can still hear the words ringing through your ears as he told you he doesn’t love you, how he said you’re pathetic for pining after him. As much as you resolutely made yourself believe that he was lying the words still stung and there’s always that little niggle, that little voice inside your head saying what if it is the truth. You know what Sands is like after all, you know his ways of sleeping with other women, you know his lackadaisical attitude to relationships and love, and you know that it probably could be quite easy for him to leave you and never think twice about it. But as these thoughts come to mind so do others confronting those ideas, saying that ever since you met Sands you’ve come to know him more and more and he’s changed.

You started going out almost a year and a half ago now, and in that time you’ve found yourself being able to get closer him, only tiny bits at a time but every now and again he would let you in on some little piece of information about himself. If he didn’t think you were any more than just a casual fling he wouldn’t have kept you hanging on for so long, from the sounds of what he does with other women he only used them for a month or two and then it was on to the next one. With you though he hadn’t been like that, and though you suspected it quite often, now reminiscing back there were odd little moments when he acted as though he did want you for more than just sex.

If you were out together there would often be lingering little touches, ones that were done absent-mindedly but comforted you nonetheless. Though he wasn’t around for very long periods of time when he was at yours or you were with him and you weren’t making love, you sometimes curled up in front of the TV with one another, just sitting there not really paying attention to the program but just basking in the warmth of being together. Looking back you come to realise Sands wasn’t as driven by sex as you’d initially believed, it just took a crisis such as this for you to realise all those little things that told you that you meant more to him.

Sighing softly you undo Sands trousers and pull them down his legs, stopping at his feet to take off his boots and slip the trousers off completely.

“I think that’ll be enough.” Jethro’s voice says softly startling you a little. Lost in your memories you’d forgotten that he was even there. “We need to get those sheets on him now so if you just get them then we can try to wrap them around him, that’ll stop him from flailing too much and will also keep him cool.” He continues.

Nodding your head in compliance and shaking yourself out of your reverie you walk over to the bathroom and turn off the tap, picking up the sheets and wringing them out so that they won’t trail a lot of water but are still quite wet. Making your way back into the bedroom with them you see that Jethro is attempting to sit Sands up.

“Ok, we need to get these around him, preferably so that they lock his arms in.” Jethro instructs, so bidding his words you attempt to hold one end of a sheet up, pressing it to Sands’ far side and wrapping the trailing sheet around his torso tightly. With Jethro’s hold on Sands body you manage to get the whole sheet around him tightly so that his arms are held firmly at his sides. “And we need to try to do his legs as well.” Jethro then says, gently lying Sands back down. Nodding in compliance you move towards Sands legs, Jethro doing the same so that he can hold them still and lift them slightly so that you can pass the sheet beneath them as you wrap it round. This turns out to be slightly more difficult because as Jethro gets a hold of Sands’ legs he start writhing more, his legs kicking out ferociously so that it takes a lot of strength for Jethro to hold them fairly still.

You work quickly wrapping the sheet around and after a failed attempt at first as the sheet was too loose and came unravelled, you finally manage to get it done. As you step back Jethro lets Sands legs lie down again and you watch as Sands, seemingly wrapped in a dark blue cocoon writhes about. Compared to how he was shaking earlier when he first went into the fit his motions have subsided a little and you can only hope that this is a good sign.

“I think it’s passing.” Jethro says as he puts two fingers to Sands’ throat and checks his pulse. “His pulse is slower than it was, faster than it should be but it’s going down.” He informs you.

“Do we still need to call an ambulance?” you ask, knowing that Jethro seemed to know what he was doing but wondering if it would be a good idea to have some more medical supplies at hand and people with more experience.

“I’ll give them a call and tell them the situation, they’re probably just going to tell us to keep an eye on him and phone them straight away if he gets worse, but I think he should be ok now. All they would really do differently is inject him with a drug to relax his muscles and stop the convulsions, but as it is they’re lessening by themselves.”

“Ok.” You reply, not taking your eyes off of Sands.

“What I can tell you for definite though is if he remembers this when he wakes up he is not going to be happy.” Jethro says, his tone playful. You can’t help the small doubt in your mind, wondering if Sands will even wake up at all, but from what Jethro is saying you’re more assured that he’ll be fine, moody but otherwise alright and you can deal with moody Sands. As long as he remains alive you can deal with anything. “Well I’ll go phone them now.” Jethro says and looking to him you give him an accepting and thankful smile. Watching as he leaves you take a seat besides Sands on the bed, perched on the edge so that you’re out of the way as he shakes. As you sit there you can see that the convulsions are decreasing and aren’t nearly as violent, and though you know you’re not out of dangers way just yet you feel slightly relieved.

“Just as I suspected.” Jethro’s voice comes as you see him step into the bedroom a few moments later. “They said to keep an eye on him, make sure that someone is with him all the time and to call if he gets worse.”

“So he’ll be alright?” you query, your eyes full of concern.

“Hopefully, we just need to get through the next few hours and then we’ll find out. You can go home if you like and I can keep an eye on him.”

“No, I’d rather stay with him if it’s alright with you.” You reply instantly, you’re here now and you’re not about to abandon him. You’ve no need to be home so it will do you no harm to stay.

“That’s fine, I thought you might.” Jethro responds, smiling pleasantly at you. “I’ll clear this lot off,” he begins as he steps across the room towards a pile of clothes covering what seems to possibly be a chair. “and you can take a more comfortable seat.” He says as he picks up the pile and attempts to shove them into a laundry basket next to it.

“Thanks.” You reply as you get up from the bed, knowing that you couldn’t sit in that position for too much longer with all of Sands movements nearly knocking you off.

“No problem.” Jethro replies with a smile as he gets it cleared. “If you’re going to stay in here then I’ll go and clean up some of the mess out there.” He continues, nodding to the doorway leading into the lounge. “Do you want anything to drink or eat?”

“No, I’m alright thanks.” You reply as you walk around the bed and sit in the newly vacated chair. “And thanks for all your help.” You add sincerely as you look to Jethro who smiles in acceptance.

“Well you weren’t so useless yourself, I don’t think I would have been able to do it alone.”

“It wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t here though.” You say despondently.

“He probably wouldn’t have fallen, not in those circumstances at least but your being here didn’t bring on the fit, it’s just the consequences of him drinking even though he’s on medication, it’s his own fault, you can’t blame yourself for it.”

“But he wouldn’t have drunk anything if he hadn’t seen me this evening, if we hadn’t argued…” you insist, unable to push the guilt away that you have led Sands to be in this situation.

“Look, you’ve done nothing but love him, I know that and I’ve barely been around you for more than an hour or two. It’s Sands who’s being an ass, he’s feeling sorry for himself and he’s too proud to let you near him. Its pretty stupid but he’s stubborn like that.” Looking at Sands you feel tears prickling your eyes again and are unable to stop them from falling down your cheeks.

“I just… I just don’t understand why he’s being like this, he knows I love him and I know he’s proud but surely even he can learn to accept the situation, it may take time but surely it would be easier for him to do if he had people helping him. He won’t let me in though, he doesn’t want me to help him or anyone else.” You reply, trying to stop your voice from cracking and mostly succeeding.

“Like I said, he’s just stubborn, he’ll come round eventually. He does love you, you know.” Jethro replies, his voice soft. You look at him through misty eyes, wondering how much he knows about yours and Sands relationship. “He’s been looking out for you ever since he got back from Mexico almost, again he was just too proud to let you know he was there. He cares about you, you’ve no idea what he was like whenever we got back from seeing you. He was angry with himself and this evening… well it was just a lot worse this evening because you’d actually found out he was around. He didn’t want you to know what had happened, I think he thought it would be better for you just to think of him the way he was before.”

“He really is too proud.” You mutter softly.

“Yeh.” Jethro agrees. “But we’ll get it all sorted out, in time.” He adds. You nod your head in agreement and lean your elbows on your knees, resting your head in your hands as you watch Sands. “Well I’ll just be in the other room, shout if you need me.” He says and as you nod your head in agreement he leaves, pulling the door so that it’s slightly ajar to give you a little privacy. Sitting in the chair you yawn, keeping your eyes on Sands and wondering what there is in store now. Once Sands comes round you’re going to have to sort everything out with him, you’re not going to let him live alone like this, even with Jethro around. Sands can be as stubborn as he wants to be but you’re going to win him over somehow and make him understand that you’re not going to just walk away.

For now though you resign yourself to just watching him, waiting for the hours to pass.

* * * * *

AN: Ok, I admit I have not got a medical mind at all so I don’t know if what was done in this chapter was correct to the situation. I tried researching it on the net but I only found loads of links talking about alcoholism. What I’ve used in this was inspired by a similar (though not the same) situation in Bad Boys 2 (which I highly recommend) and though the scenario’s were different I’m hoping that the same idea’s would apply. I hope it didn’t get too fluffy or gushy, and most of all I hope you enjoyed it. As always reviews are appreciated greatly, ciao for now! :)

* * * * *

CHAPTER 4

The pain was unbearable. It felt as though his entire face was being engulfed in flames, flames starting from his very eyes and burning their way outwards, making him want to writhe and shake and get away but strong arms held him down when he attempted to move, and though the pain continued he learned to grit his teeth and take it. As much as he wanted to cry out and scream as the agony washed over him he couldn’t, he wouldn’t allow them that satisfaction. They could fucking well take his eyes but he wouldn’t hand his pride over quite so easily.

After long moments of searing pain as he clenched every muscle in his body it started to die down and he wondered if he was in fact leaving the world completely. Maybe they had decided to kill him after all, maybe they’d decided to stick the drill in that bit further and allow him to part the existence he no longer wished to be. But they wouldn’t be that merciful he knew that, they would make him suffer for the rest of his life as a cripple, just because he saw too much.

The fiery sensations die down completely and silence seems to engulf the room. He can’t even feel the pressure of the shackles or men holding him down any longer and he can’t help but continue to wonder if he is still alive, or at least if he’s conscious. His body is hot, sweat covering his skin as he remains still, waiting for something, anything to tell him he’s alive. There’s no pain any longer, that can’t be right can it?

Then he starts to notice the dull ache, the thumping within his mind though strangely this does not come from his gaping sockets as he would expect. This ache is all over, like the biggest migraine one could even imagine and it felt like his head was splitting apart. Gods this had to be a nightmare, he would wake up any minute now and he would feel so shitty…

But then the noise caught his attention. Despite the resounding thumping within his mind he could hear a gentle noise, someone softly breathing nearby seemingly asleep. It’s then that he realises the soft mattress beneath his back, the familiar smell of his bedroom and the muffled sound of someone, probably Jethro moving about in the lounge. But if Jethro is out there then who can he hear breathing?

And then whoever’s breathing seems to hitch and they murmur imcomprehendable words and Sands knows now. He remembers the argument he had with her by the river, he remembers coming back and attempting to drown out the pitiful ‘woe is me’ voice in his head with alcohol, he remembers getting angry with Jethro for not allowing him to end his life completely as he wanted to, and he remembers her turning up.

She came to him earlier to help him and he pushed her away, or at least tried to. He shouted at her, called her pathetic, even pushed her to the floor… yet she was still here. He felt bad about that, gods all he wanted to do was get rid of her! He wanted her to leave his life and he would do everything he could to make her, he thought he had done everything he could! Yet she’s still there in his room not far away, seemingly dozing in a chair without any care for the way he treated her. She really was an idiot Sands thought wryly, a complete and utter fool.

A shouted exclamation is heard from the apartment from Jethro and it seems to rip through Sands skull like a bullet. He grits his teeth, trying to block out the pain but finds that it doesn’t work. A further clattering resounds throughout the apartment and Sands tries to block it out by covering his ears… except he can’t move.

He becomes rigid as he realises none of his limbs are reacting, thoughts rushing through his mind speedily as he tries to comprehend what is happening. Is he paralysed? ‘Oh for fuck sake if there is a god up there you’re a bastard!’ Sands thinks to himself, considering this to be a further punishment dealt to him. But why? Hadn’t he suffered enough? He’d had his eyes ripped out of his head, his pride shattered and on top of that he had to act like a bastard to the woman he goddamn loved so that she wouldn’t pity him. So now what? What was next? How was he going to be fucked with in future? His hearing, that would probably go next, then his sense of taste although with the unpleasant flavour lingering in his mouth it doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.

“Sands…” he could hear his voice being muttered, very quietly but he could still hear it. It was her again, reminding him of her presence once more. ‘She’s going to have a field day with this’ Sands thinks sarcastically. ‘She now gets to face someone who can’t see or move, what a great example of the human race I am.’

Listening for a moment she doesn’t speak again but he gets the impression she’s awake as the steady, deep breathing of before has become lighter and he can hear her moving in the chair, yawning a little and seemingly stretching. With his remaining senses alive he can smell her perfume, faded as though she put it on hours ago but still sweetly there. ‘This is pure torture’ he concludes within his mind. He wants to move, or speak or do something to let her know that he’s conscious but on the other hand it would be far better if she didn’t know. It’d be far better if he didn’t do anything for the rest of his life until he starved himself to death as he pretended to sleep. ‘She wouldn’t let that happen though’ a voice says inside his mind. ‘She’s staying and looking after you whether you like it or not.’

Sands growls at these thoughts and instantly regrets it as he hears her breath hitch again in a small gasp as she stands and he can hear her as she moves next to him.

“Sands?” her voice comes to his ears and he wishes he could take back that little sound.

* * * Your POV * * *

“Sands?” you query, mentally scolding yourself over and over as you’d fallen asleep and hadn’t been paying attention to Sands as you were supposed to. Silence. Maybe you imagined it? Maybe he’s still unconscious?

“Hmmm.” He murmurs and you know that he’s awake, though by the sound of him he’s pissed off, well no surprises there.

“You alright?” you ask, scanning over his face and body that’s still cocooned within the dark blue bed sheets. Strangely enough after all these hours as you can see the morning has come they’re still wet, you would have thought they’d have dried out by now.

“Well darling…” Sands begins in his familiar drawl. “I have some wonderful news.” And it is plain to hear the sarcasm dripping in his tone.

“Which is?” you ask, raising an eyebrow speculatively.

“Well now I can’t see, and I can’t move.” He says flatly and as his statement registers you can’t help the small amused smirk that pulls the corner of your mouth up.

“Oh Sands.” You sigh with a chuckle as you reach across to start untucking the sheets.

“What?” he asks. “Oh Sands what?” he continues, obviously confused. Shaking your head you reach around under his side and take hold of the edge of the sheet, pulling it back and away from him so it in part comes unravelled. You hadn’t even thought about what it would be like for him to wake up unable to move like this and it hits you how he must have thought he was paralysed. With all the shit he’s been through it’s unsurprising that he’s being a little pessimistic.

“Hmmm, I’d better do your feet first actually.” You mutter, more to yourself than to Sands. If you unwrapped his legs he would be able to sit up and then you’d be able to unwrap the sheet from around his arms and chest.

“Seriously, what the fuck are you talking about?” Sands asks and you can hear the anxious and annoyed tone of his voice. Sighing you think about how to explain. You don’t want to tell Sands everything of what happened because it’s just going to make him feel low to know that he got so bad that he actually went into a fit, but you can’t exactly hide it from him either, he needs an explanation.

“Do you remember what happened last night?” you ask quietly as you begin to unravel the sheet from around his legs, lifting them up with slight difficulty to pass the sheet under.

“Kind of…” Sands answers, his tone dubious.

“Okay, well what do you remember?” you ask, deciding that would be a better tactic. Sands sighs for a moment and you can almost hear the cogs whirring in his mind as he scans through the previous nights events.

“We met by the river,” Sands starts, his tone a little wary. “And we… we argued. I walked off with Jethro and came back to the apartment, decided to have a drink or two… I’m not sure, you came round and we… ugh… argued… and then… I don’t know,” he says, obviously unable to recall the events clearly.

“Mhmm, Jethro called me.” You agree, finally getting the sheet unwrapped from around his legs. Sands makes a pleased sound in his throat as he stretches his legs out, realising that he can move them after all.

“Why?” he asks after a moment.

You sigh a little, still wondering over how much you should tell Sands. You know well that he’s a man that values his pride and so if he learns the whole truth of last nights events that may be shattered a little and it may lead to him feeling as low as he did before. “The alcohol you drank mixed with your medication and caused some… some not so pleasant side effects.” You say, trying to keep it vague but still informative.

“Such as…?” Sands asks, obviously confused as to how a couple of drinks led to him being in the current situation of being bound within his own bed linen.

“You passed out.” You say with a small sigh as you know you must tell Sands the truth and then deal with his despondence over feeling helpless again. “And you went into a kind of fit. Jethro and I had to wrap you up in the cold sheets otherwise you could have gotten brain damage.” You inform him.

Sands licks his lips as they seem to have dried out as he takes in this information. When he’d had those drinks he’d known there would be consequences to them, possibly or even hopefully fatal ones, and now he can’t help but feel surprised and slightly annoyed that his actions didn’t go according to plan.

As silence comes you can see Sands frowning, obviously thinking through this new revelation. You’re sure he’s not going to like these facts at all, and you’re quite certain you know why. His pride of course over being seen in such a state, and quite possibly his annoyance at being saved from it. With his attitude being as low as it is at the moment you’re sure he’d have felt it would have been a blessing to get brain damage and then maybe die from it, so now you know there’s every possibility he’ll actually be angry with you and Jethro for saving him.

“Can you sit up?” you ask finally, saying no more about the events of the previous night until Sands shows he’s ready by initiating the conversation. Sands sighs a little and squirms slightly, digging his heels into the mattress as he tries to push himself up into a seated position. As you look at him you wonder over the consequences of actually assisting him but as he growls in obvious frustration you decide you shall just have to deal with his lack of appreciation for your help, it seems you shall have to get used to it as you still have no plans to abandon him until he’s fully recovered both physically and emotionally.

Pulling the sheet from beneath his legs you let it drop to the floor before making your way to the top of the bed. Gently you reach out and put your hands on Sands shoulders, pulling him upwards with a gentle force helping him to sit. You hear Sands’ growl of annoyance as you do so but simply roll your eyes and keep quiet as he swears when you finally manage to pull him up.

Silently you unravel the sheet from around his torso, the previous nights appreciation for his body being pushed aside as you don’t allow yourself to think about it. His attitude towards you presses more firmly into your thoughts at the moment.

“All done.” You finally say quietly, dropping the second sheet to the floor with the first. Sands stretches his arms out and rolls his shoulders, a small smile on his lips being the only proof of his thankfulness at being able to move around again. “I’ll get you a drink.” You add as you note Sands’ dry lips, seeing his smile quickly vanish as you speak.

“No, it’s fine. I’ll get it myself. You can go home.” He says, quickly swinging his legs over the side of the bed as he tries to force himself into fully working order, managing to do everything his own way and declining any kind of assistance from anyone.

“Sands the sooner you give in the easier it will be.” You say, knowing that he simply wants you to get away so that he doesn’t have to see you again.

“Easier for who exactly?” he replies, his hand reaching out to the small table beside his bed, fumbling it seems to find his shades. Picking them up you hand them to him, to which he huffs in response.

“For everyone. If you just accept the fact that I’m not going to leave and you just let me help you then you can get better more quickly, I can be less frustrated so that we don’t argue, and then once everything’s all sorted out then I can leave.” You say, not completely believing the last part of the statement but hoping that it will give Sands an incentive to work with you just a little.

“Well that would be all fine and dandy if I was ever going to get better, but as the case happens to be my eyes are never going to magically reappear in my head.” Sands says wryly.

“I don’t mean I’m not going to leave until you get your sight back.” You sigh. “I mean I want to help you get into some kind of condition where you can adjust to the situation, where you can live as normally as possible in relation to your…”

“Disability?” Sands finishes in a wry tone, using the word you felt a little awkward in saying.

“Whatever.” You say with a sigh. “I just want to make sure you can cope, I care about you and I can’t just leave you in the state you’re in now.”

“And the sooner you gave up the easier it would be.”

“I’ve already told you I’m not going to do that and I have told you my reasons for it. You’re just going to have to accept that.”

“Why can’t you be the one to accept that I don’t want to be around you?”

“Because you have no reasons for it, not that you’ve told me anyway.” You answer, some part of you hoping that Sands would actually admit aloud that he held too much pride within him to let you be close to him and help.

Instead of responding verbally however Sands simply throws his hands up in apparent annoyance and makes his way past you around the bed towards the door leading into the bathroom. As you watch him head towards the sink you can’t help but worry a little, knowing the state all the pills and glass were in last night.

“What are you doing?” you ask, concern evident in your tone as you carefully follow Sands, keeping an eye on his movements.

“I’ve got a stinking headache and my throat is dry so if you don’t mind I’m getting a drink and my medication.” Sands answers, his tone clipped as he’s obviously annoyed with your prying.

“Well I’ll get them then.” You say, feeling that it would be far better for you to get the pills from the sink when you could see and avoid the shards of mirror before Sands ended up getting his hands cut up.

“Look I haven’t even agreed to it yet and with every minute I’m disliking the situation more, but if you’re going to continue fussing as you are then I’m saying now that I will not put up with it. You can’t treat me like some child.” Sands says, turning to face you with an expression of clear exasperation.

“I’m sorry, I just… I don’t want you to hurt yourself…” you explain.

“Even so you’ve got to let me at least do some things for myself, otherwise how else am I supposed to get back to ‘normality’ as you so wish?”

“Alright, I’ll keep my ‘fussing’ to a minimum in future. It’s just that there are shards of smashed mirror in the sink as are your pills so I thought it would be better if I got them so you don’t cut yourself up.” You try to explain.

Sands simply sighs and pays no heed to your words, turning to the sink once more where he slowly dips his hand into the basin and fumbles about a bit before letting out a sharp shout.

“What? What?!” you respond quickly, panic speeding through your system as you rush over to his side, expecting to see blood pouring from his hand. Instead however you see a perfectly clean sink and Sands looking a tad peeved as he lifts his hand up to show you it’s perfectly fine.

“There’s nothing in there.” He states, seemingly thinking that you’d for some reason purposefully lied to him.

“Well there was last night.” You answer, feeling a little hurt by the fact he thought you’d do such a thing, and by the scare he gave you.

“Well there isn’t now.” Sands says, his tone edged with doubt over your words.

“Well Jethro must have cleared it up then.” You sigh.

“Cleared what up?” comes a voice from the bathroom door that leads into the main area of the apartment. Looking towards the sound you see Jethro standing there, a dishcloth in his hand as he looks at you and Sands.

“The smashed mirror and pills in the sink.” You answer.

“Ah, yeh. The pills are back in the cupboard and the mirror’s been thrown away.” He explains smiling.

“Rightio, you’re an angel Jethro but right now I still really want to get rid of this headache and if possible I’d like not to lose my voice so…” Sands says, now going to open up the de-mirrored bathroom cabinet as he takes out a bottle and a packet of pills as well as a plastic cup.

“Fine, fine.” You give in, in absolute exasperation. Sighing to yourself you head out of the bathroom and past Jethro and find the sight very pleasing to your eyes. Jethro certainly did seem like an angel no matter how sarcastic Sands was being, as all the upturned furniture and mess seems to have miraculously disappeared so that now the area looks perfectly tidy.

“Some things couldn’t be fixed but most of it cleaned up alright.” Jethro states from behind you as it seems he’s left Sands to do what he pleases.

“You must have been up all night.” You say, still looking around at the area with awe. You’re finding that it actually doesn’t look as cramped and ugly as you’d initially thought when you arrived and isn’t actually a bad little apartment at all.

“Yeh well, I thought it had best be done sooner rather than later.” Jethro says with a shrug of his shoulders. “Anyway, would you like a coffee?”

“Mmm, that’d be great.” You agree, but as you see Jethro head for the kitchen you get a sudden pang of guilt, knowing he’d been up all night clearing the place up when you’d fallen asleep when you were supposed to be watching over Sands. “But I’ll get it, and some breakfast if you like.” You state quickly, stopping him in his tracks.

“It’s okay, you don’t know where things are, it’ll be simpler if I-“

“Well I don’t know if you’re going to be as pleased as Sands about this, but I was actually thinking of being around here quite a bit, looking after him, and so it would be best if I did learn where things were for future reference.” You answer cheerily. “I’m not trying to put you out of a job or anything, I just want to be there for Sands.” You add quickly.

Jethro smiles at you which you’re pleased about. You didn’t want to seem rude in your statement and you hoped that Jethro wouldn’t take it the wrong way.

“Alright, well I’ll let you go on a scavenger hunt then.” He says, now taking a seat upon the sofa. You nod your head in agreement before heading into the kitchen, preparing to hunt through the cupboards for all the necessary items. The kettle is easy enough to find as it sits out upon the workbench and the fridge is obvious too so you can get the milk. You then hunt through the rest of the cupboards for the coffee, sugar and cutlery and in doing so find yourself getting out various items to make a fully blown cooked breakfast.

Living on your own in your apartment you very rarely cook big meals and certainly not breakfasts, but you have to admit you do find enjoyment in it. Ever since you were a child you quite enjoyed the times when you’d go to your nana’s and help her bake cakes, and even when it came to helping your mum prepare dinner you still liked to help out. You weren’t a bad cook at all and even won first prize for a cake you baked for a school competition, but living alone you’ve never had any need to exercise this talent. Now you have to say you’re quite looking forward to messing about in the kitchen a little, serving up food for the men folk no matter how ungrateful you’re sure one of them will be.

Quickly you make coffee for Jethro and as you take it out you’re a little startled to find Sands sitting in one of the armchairs, acting rather moody and still looking rather nude wearing just his boxers, as it seems he’s decided not to bother with getting dressed just yet. You have to bite back an offer to assist him in getting some clothes together as you know it would only irritate him, and so you simply offer him a coffee which he accepts and then take it to him a few moments later before retreating to the kitchen.

Twenty minutes pass as you piece together a heavenly spread of bacon, scrambled eggs, fried bread, sausages and baked beans. You’d have cooked up your personal fried breakfast favourite of mushrooms but that is where the cupboards stopped their supply and so you leave the meal at this point.

“Something smells good.” Jethro comments as he walks into the kitchen, his gaze going to the frying pan you’re holding on the hob as you finish cooking the eggs as everything else keeps warm in the oven.

“I didn’t really think if you were hungry or not.” You comment, realising that you could have done it all for nothing in the end.

“I wasn’t before but with these smells wafting all over the place I’m ravenous.” He chuckles making you smile, pleased that he’s looking forward to the meal.

“Good, I should think there’s enough to go round.” You say, giving the eggs a final stir before turning the burner off and setting the pan aside as you get three plates out. “Would you mind putting some cutlery out please?”

“Sure.” Jethro agrees and without another word he takes the knives and forks from their drawer and heads back out into the living area where the small dining table resides.

Quickly you start serving the various parts of the meal up so that they don’t go cold. Having finished your coffee as you cooked you place your mug in the sink and then take two of the plates out to the table, placing them upon the mats that Jethro seems to have found.

“Grubs up.” You say with a smile, looking to Jethro with a smile as he instantly heads to sit down. Sands however simply looks towards you, a frown marring his features. “Are you going to eat or what?” you ask with a sigh, your mood suddenly dropping from perfectly chipper as you find yourself being pushed into the world where Sands is trying his hardest to push you away from him.

Without a word Sands huffs but gets up from his seat and heads towards the table, his hands going out to feel the area as he walks as he’s careful not to bump into anything. You roll your eyes as he continues his silence as he sits down before the second plate and begins to eat. Going back into the kitchen you retrieve your own plate and take it to the table, glad to sit down and actually eat the meal that has been making your stomach grumble for the past ten minutes.

For a while no one speaks as everyone digs into their food, Jethro obviously pleased with the results of your cooking as he eats his quickly, wolfing the meal down with large mouthfuls. Sands seems to pick at the food at first, toying with it on his fork until finally he actually gives in and tastes it, and after a few moments starts to act like a normal person eating. You find yourself feeling happier than you have done in a while, pushing aside all the thoughts of Sands moodiness and just thinking about how he’s actually here in front of you, eating breakfast. It feels so normal, like this is something you should be doing everyday, although however much he seems like a nice guy, you cant say you’d want to live with Jethro for the rest of your life.

No, this seems like something you’d want to share with Sands. The simplicity of cooking meals and sitting down to eat them, it seems like something a family would do, a husband and wife even. But then a slight despondence can’t help but creep in as you realise the hard work that’s going to have to be done if you even want the slightest chance of having anything like that with Sands. For the moment at least he’s stuck in his vision of living the rest of his life out alone, or at least without you in it, and all you can think of is the opposite.

It doesn’t seem like so much to ask when you think about it; a simple life of living with Sands, just being with him for periods longer than a couple of days and doing things that don’t revolve around getting naked together as that is what your past relationship only ever seemed to be. So many people across the globe get on with lives like that and think nothing of it, thinking that it’s just the way things work for everyone and that once you find someone and fall in love you’ll instantly follow the route of settling in together.

You and Sands are different though. You’re unsure if within your relationship you truly have admitted properly to one another that you’re in love, and you know to the world outside all your partnership is, is a sexual one. You’re not what you believe to be a normal couple, and with the way things are going at the moment you’re unsure if you’re a couple at all or if you’ll ever be. Looking so far into the future when you could even resemble anything like a husband and wife just seems pointless, even friendship seems off the cards at the moment.

“Wow.” Jethro finally breaks the silence, smacking his lips as he looks up from his empty plate with a smile. “That was… delicious.” He states making you smile again.

“Thanks.” You answer, still happily eating through your food as you’ve been slightly distracted by your own thoughts. “There are some more beans and a couple more sausages in the kitchen if you want them.” You add.

“If no one else wants them…” Jethro says, raising an eyebrow and looking from you to Sands.

“I’m fine.” You respond.

“Take what you like, it’s all the same to me.” Sands says, his first words in what seems like an eternity. You roll your eyes for the millionth time this day at his lackadaisical remark but smile to Jethro as he heads into the kitchen to get the leftovers.

“So...” you begin to say as Jethro leaves and you look to Sands.

“So…?” he replies, his tone bored as he continues to eat the meal.

“Well… what are we doing?”

“Wow, I’m the one who’s down to four out of five senses and yet even I know we’re eating breakfast.” He answers sarcastically. You huff your disapproval but leave any further response to it alone. Instead you try to pick up upon the question that you’re finding it a little difficult to ask.

“I mean what are we doing, together? Are you going to continue putting up a big fuss about me staying here and trying to help you, or are you going to accept it?” you ask, and as expected receive a long and exasperated sigh from Sands.

“I don’t want you here, I’ve already told you that.” He answers.

“I know but I’ve also told you I’m not going to accept that and I’m staying to help whether you like it or not.”

“So why do you even need me to answer the question when your mind’s already made up?!”

“Because I’d rather be here under a mutual agreement rather than feel like I’m intruding all the time.”

“You are intruding!” Sands exclaims, letting his cutlery drop to his now empty plate with a clatter. “When I say I don’t want you here and yet you continue to stay I would say that’s intruding, and there’s most probably a law against it but it seems to me the fuckers up there with all the authority don’t give a shit about what I think, so I’m sure you’re safe from getting into trouble with them.”

“I don’t see why this has to be so difficult, nor why you hate me being here so much when all I want to do is help you.”

“I have my reasons and if you really wanted to help me then you’d leave.”

“Help you kill yourself.”

“And if that were the case and that’s what I really wanted then you’d let me have it.” Sands sighs.

“Well what if I don’t want it, what if I want to see you alive?” you ask as you try to keep the desperation from tingeing your tone, tears starting to prickle your eyes at his total and utter lack of will to live and be with you.

“You’re not the one who has to live every day like this.”

“But I don’t understand why it’s so bad!” you exclaim to which Sands scoffs. “What I mean is I know it’s terrible to have lost your sight and everything, but it hasn’t killed you, it’s not going to kill you and it’s something you can simply adjust to. I don’t believe it’s easy and I know it must be pretty shitty thinking why did this happen to you, but it did and you should allow the people who care about you to help you through it.”

“I know why it happened to me and that’s why it’s so damn difficult to deal with.” Sands snaps.

“Well why? I know nothing of what happened o