|
YOU MAKE ME LIVE! Author: Bangshangalang Disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean or any of the characters associated with the movie. I also obviously do not own U2, Bono, Edge, or any other famous Pop Culture icons. Gor Gor and other obviously-made-up-by-me characters are mine. Any characters or events that occur in this fic that may resemble real characters or events [not bloody likely) are purely coincidential. Summary: So this is a fic I've written in homage to all the really bad, teeny-boppery, completely out-of-character fics I've read on ff.net [shudder). Call it trauma...but this is my way with coming to grips with the horror my poor eyes have been exposed to. THE HORROR! This is *supposed* to be bad, corny, and mainly laughable. It features quick smut, if features plot holes as far as the eye can see! It features unlikely appearances by Pop Culture stars, and mainly, Growling!Demanding!Jack! * * * * * CHAPTER 1 – "HAAAAALP!" You are a stately lady living in the Caribbean who really doesn't like her husband. Who can blame you, because dude, he's a wife-beater. He even wears wife-beater shirts with pit stains on them. His name is Brutus. When you agreed to marry him that wretched day 2 years ago, it was because you um...were trying to feed your family, who were basically starving. Brutus was a well-known governor on the island, yeah...and he said that if you married him, he'd pay handsomely for your dowry. Your family said "HELL NO! OUR DAUGHTER IS THE PUREST, MOST BEAUTIFUL, BOUNTIFUL BOOB'D PERSON ON THIS ISLAND!" You took one look at your mother as she stuck her bony finger to point Brutus to the door. Her wedding ring was hanging from her finger, and her arm was shaking. Brutus sneered and started his way to the door. With a loud creaking of the rotted floor board from under his heavy frame, he stood in the doorway and turned his silhouette to you and your family: "Foine, then..." he said..."But if ya ain't gonna gimme the wench, I ain't gonna allow yeh to sell yeh fruit and grains at the market no more." With one rotted, toothy grin, he turned to leave. He was not surprised when he felt your hand on his shoulder and your fragile, feminine, so-freakin-sweet-it-always-sounded-like-you-were-singing-but-you-weren't voice call out in panic "NO! Stop...Brutus...wait." The wedding went by in a hurry. You cried and wailed at every pause the priest made, and before you knew it, you were staring up from the ceiling, trying to leave your body from your wedding bed. When Brutus laid his sweaty self on you, the bed felt like a coffin. Smelly...suffocating...you couldn't breathe...he was on top, you see, and his weight was crushing your ribs. Two years later, here you were, his freakin' trophy-Governor's wife. Everyday, you prayed for something to rescue you. At 3 pm, when it was time to tell the servants what to make for Brutus' dinner, you retired to your garden, where the birds were your friends, and they were already waiting for you when you made your entrance and made your way to sit next to the fountain. The water that sprang up from the little statue boy's mouth was no match for the tears that streamed from your immaculate face. THIS TIME, you were so distraught, you burst into song: "Somedaaaaay mah priiiince will come..." The birds all chimed in, and you collapsed in tears, finally admitting to yourself "No he won't...we don't live in England..." You awoke with a startle in the darkness at the sound of a "BOOM" from the docks nearby. "WHAT ON EARTH!?!?!" The birds had gone by now, it was them or you...they chose them. Your faithful chamber maid Nancy came running out of the house "MADAM!!! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! YOU MUST FLEE!" "WHAT?!?!" You were confused. Who was attacking, and were YOU under attack, was the HOUSE under attack, or was the TOWN under attack? "FREAKIN' PIRATES, LADY! THEY'RE HERE! THEY'RE SACKING THE TOWN!!!!" "Where shall I go?" You said quietly, eyes widened in fear, as it happens to most Disney princess types... "ANYWHERE! ANYWAY, LOOK, IT WAS NICE KNOWIN' YA, BUT I GOTTA GO! I HEAR THEM PIRATES GOT A THIRST FOR WINSOME WENCHES SUCH AS MYSELF!!!!!" Then you heard a voice, that sent shivers up your spine...the sound of your husband... "COME 'ERE, BITCH!!! TIME TO DO YEH DUTIES!!!! SORRY, LUV, BUT I GOTTA TRADE YOU IN FOR ME LOIFE!!!" With a small cry...not unlike the cry of a dove *twinkle twinkle*...you ran away, and headed towards the town battlement. With a mighty BOOM and a *CRASH*, you were instantly knocked to the ground. At first you couldn't feel anything, but then a wave of pain and shortness of breath consumed you. You were trapped under a random slap of concrete. I have no idea where it fell from, but there it was. You cried for help, but people can't hear dove cries when they're running helter skelter around and over you. You closed your eyes and thought of your family, before succumbing to the unconciousness that was threatening to engulf you. Suddenly you heard the thumping of nearby boots, except these boots weren't scurrying around. These boots were worn by a man who was calmly walking, in slower but rhythmic measured steps that came to a stop right next to your head. Your eyes snapped open, long, no-need-for-mascarra lashes obstructing your vision of the man standing over you. You could see the moonlight bouncing off the edge of a bottle he clutched. He smelled like a cross between the ocean floor, kelp, rum and all round manly man. "Well...what 'ave we 'ere" the smooth voice drawled out. The man had been drinking. The long coat he was wearing, the sword and the pistol stuck in his sash around his waist summed up to what you feared the most. He's a freakin' pirate. You look up at him with pleading eyes, and you mutter softly through shaken voice, as your air was limited. "Please...either help me, or kill me quickly...I can't bear to be here anymore...*cue violins*" [BREAK] Sound check guy: I thought maybe violins weren't the best thing here. I'm telling the story!!! Sound check guy: Yeah but don't you think maybe a piano piece would be better here? What kind of piano piece? Sound check guy: Kinda like the one at the end of the Incredible Hulk. Nah, too sad. Sound check guy: SHE'S PLEADING FOR EITHER LIFE OR DEATH! FINE FINE! Piano it is! *Piano plays* [END BREAK, YEESH] The captain, all this while, was smiling with a cocked eyebrow until he heard the girl speak. With her plea, his swaying stopped, and he crouched down next to her, and pulled out his pistol. With one tear streaming down your face, you close your eyes and await your meeting with your maker. When no shot comes, you open your eyes to see what on earth is taking so long and you see the stranger pointing his gun at three of the townspeople who were in the middle of running around madly, not quite sure of where they were going but hey, when in Rome... "You three...I command you to lift this slab off of her." The townspeople, who you would *think* would have helped you when they saw you trapped there in the first place, looked nervously at the stranger for a second, and proceeded to slowly push the slab off of you. Honestly, again, I don't know where the slab came from...but it was big enough for three men to have needed to push it off. AH! Let's say it came from one of the battlement's walls. Yeah! The three men fled for their lives with a quick wave of the stranger's pistol. You could breathe again! However as soon as you tried to inhale your ribs shot off a nauseatingly painful sensation. You collapse and the handsome [you can see him more clearly now as he bent down) stranger puts one hand on your ribs. "They're broken..." Somehow, he knows these things, because he's that worldly. No need for an MD or anything. You fall into unconciousness just as he begins to pick you up to carry you away... * * * * * CHAPTER 2 – I SO Love You! A/N: The mad, awesome, SO-accurate-to-Jack's-character-it's-not-even-funny tale continues! Last time, our heroine was saved from certain death by a dashing, mad sexy pirate! Who is this fantastic, charming, toned, tanned man, and what will he do with you? *EE-VIL grin* Ah yes, to keep this story on track, you have come to the first of many SEX chapters! In true POTC fan-fic form, I will now write of non-stop fornication every other paragraph [or every other chapter because I can only draw so much from only so many cheesy romance novels). Though I'm not sure if I can keep up that pace, I'll try! Again, I'm heavily borrowing from the most accurate [corny), breath-taking [enough to make your cringe and contract your butt-cheeks), beautiful [teeth-gritting and wince-inducing), scenes [cliches) of love-making [gratuitous smut) borrowed from fanfics [drivel) of yore [pretty much one new bad fic is written every 2 minutes). And now, the second chapter of this wicked tale! * * * * You awaken with a dull pain in your ribs. Your dreams were void of images, but were filled with sounds of cannon-fire, scurrying and laughter. See, when pirates loot a town, they laugh and thrump around, and this crew in particular was so happy that they scored so much gold and of course, rum, that they didn't bother with the fact that there was cannon and gun fire going on all around them, because their ship is magical...and nothing ever happens to it. You turn your head. Apparently you'd been resting on your back. When you manage to get your tired, heavy eyelids open, you notice that you're laying in a huuuuge, brass bed, with ornate designs on the headboard. How can you see that? Er...well because you're resting on your back, so like, all you have to do is like, just crane your head a little backwards. Er...yeah. You notice the room around you; all your five senses mingling with each other. You see that the room is made of a rich really dark wood. The only light in the room comes from several lit candles and lanterns, so technically the room isn't that dark, but it's not as light as it would be in the day. The smell of the room is of musky man, and the sea. Usually a woman of your stature would be afraid for her life as you are sure that you are aboard the very pirate ship that attacked your town. Apparently the men were back, and they managed, judging by their happy sounds, to plunder as much loot as they could humanly pull on board. [BREAK] What now? Editor: "Plunder as much loot?" Don't you see? They're pirates! Pirates "don't steal crap", they "plunder loot and booty" and speaking of booty, the best part's coming up in this chapter, can this wait? Editor: Please continue... [END BREAK] You feel the soft bed under you. You were just about to sink into your glorious sleep again when a voice startles you: "Have a nice nap, luv?" A smooth silky, manesque voice says softly in the darkness, wait no...the light...well, the darkenss that's lit very well... "I've...never rested so soundly..." you say shakily...something tells you that you can trust this magnificent man. He sits besides your bed. This time you can see him fully [the candles, the candles). He kinda looks like this: *Insert picture of Jack Sparrow* "You've the deepest brown eyes I've ever seen..." You raise one hand up to his face. He smiles a cat-like grin that makes the yet-to-be-invented electricity coarse through your quivery body, and sofltly seizes your wandering hand with both of his. "There will be enough time to explore each other, darling..." he says... Editor: This is gettin' good! SHHH, SHH! "But I must know...who are you...and what could cause such a delicate creature such despair as to wish for [insert line from movie) pain of death?" "M-my name is..." you begin, but your lips are pursed shut by the awesome specimen's ringed adorned finger. "Nay, luv..." He growls and narrows his eyes..."Who *are* *you*?" Suddenly you realize what he's asking of you. He doesn't want to know what you're called. He wants to know everything about what makes you, well...you. "I..." you begin in a fragile manner, your lips quivering. How do you tell him that you are a woman of power, yet so weak and fragile under the years of abuse and general bad luck? How do you tell him that you're strong, yet were victimized for so long? ...You begin to cry... The stranger's face becomes serious and his eyes darken. He sits on your bed now, and pulls you to his mighty chest, cradling you, and stroking your hair. "Shhhhh...darling...take your time..." He coos. [BREAK] Editor: AWWWWW! HE COOS!?!?!?!?! AWWWWW! Okay, that's it. You sit over there now. Editor: I'll be good!!! I promise :X [END BREAK] Okay...back to...where was I...okay yeah...so he comforts you. You take your time, inhaling gulps of air and trying to calm your heaving ample chest down. "I am the wife of the governor." You begin finally, with your head bowed..."...He is a horrible, horrible excuse for a man. He tortured me, for two years. I didn't mind so much what he did to my body...but what he did to my heart and my spirit...I will never forgive him for." You finish and silently cry more. You all of a sudden feel very self-concious about the stranger cradling you and you slowly pull away, pulling your blanketed knees up to your chest and securing them with crossed arms. "Then neither will I..." the stranger says darkly. "What is your name, my Pearl?" "I-I go by [insert your name here)." You say when your tears have subsided. There is something about this man that makes everything seem as though they'll be alright. He smiles soflty...kinda like he does when he looks like he's giving a hand-job to the helm of the Pearl in the movie. "A name as lovely as the creature it is attached to...but I think I'll call you...my Pearl, if that suits your fancy. Savvy?" You smile weakly and nod. Now it was your turn for questions..."Who are you, then?" The handsome man leans forward, causing you to lay back down under him. He brings one palm to your cheek with the other hand still on the small of your back. "I am the one you've been looking for..." Before you could answer with what should be "What the hell does that mean?!?!?!" he claims your lips with his. It is truly...as Shakespeare would have put it...one hell of kiss! Your lips collide with his fully, wholly. His tongue mingles with yours with a freakin' HUNGER! It does not feel as though there's an intrusive object stabbing into your mouth as it did with your husband, but it rather feels like Jack's tongue is the second half of yours. Like you were supposed to have two freakin' tongues! Eventually, you desperately break the kiss by throwing your head back. Gasping for air, you study the man's face...He is smiling that cat-like smile again, and you find your breasts growing bigger by the nano-second. Editor: Didn't you just refer to him as "Jack?" SHUT UP! Editor: Sorry. "Who...*GASPETH* What is your name?" He lowers his head to yours, and you know what's comin'. Another awesome kiss. Right before his lips meet yours, he whispers in a thick, husky voice..."I'm Captain Jack Sparrow...savvy?" This time, as his tongue and yours meet like long lost soul-mates, he manages to grab either sides of your bodice, and pull with a ferocity that makes you yelp out in a small voice. His hands, gliding lovingly along your nekkid torso, makes you relax. He won't hurt you. Nobody who touches with such tenderness will ever hurt you. Captain Jack begins to taste your body, and you arch your back in anticipation for wanting more. "Oh mah." You plead almost Sothern Belle-like as he runs his hands up and down your thighs under your full skirt. He *SKILLFULLY* with *mad*, undies removing *skills* frees you of all the other clothes you have on, and like in a second, he rids himself of his shirt and his pants, leaving the awesome sight of him naked for you to behold. You think you'll go blind with such visual over-stimulation, and that your head will explode. He brings his face closer to yours as you feel him positioning himself for take off down your run-way of femininity. "Why do you breathe?" He growls. He wants to know. "To live?" You gasp. He growls [again) and pulls himself away from you so that he's now higher above you. He looks downright pissed! "Nay, my darling...some things are worth more than some...even good ol' physical uniting...why do you BREATHE?" You're taken off guard by his question. Sex wasn't the most important thing to a *man?* What kind of super human was this above you? "So...I can live and therefore be with you?" You fumble. "Nay, my darling...there are more important things that just a mortal man..." At this point, you're worried his mighty cyclops will go to sleep and hang its head, but amazingly, it is still awake and strong, teasing you with its perfect position to fill the void inside of you. "I breathe so I can live and one day have a ship of my own???" Good shot...he is a pirate after all...maybe this was the answer. "Nnnnaaaayyyy...luv..." He lowered his eyelids, to take in your awesomeness some more; a tender, loving look in his eyes. Wait, no...scratch that...an angry, LONGING look in his eyes! "So I can live and LOVE?" "My Pearl...if all you want is either life, or love, then you are by far, too under-demanding. In fact, it hurts me to the depth of my being that my Pearl was mistreated to *such* a level as to where she would no longer find herself worthy of more than one, or the other." It all becomes clear now. This is who Jack Sparrow was. Yes, you want him, but to want him is to want love *and* freedom, because he was the embodiment of these two things... He smiles broadly, and you notice for the first time, his amazingly clean teeth, some capped in gold. "I breathe so I can live, and love, and steal my own freakin' ship, and like, be one with the wind!!! YEAH! More than anything!!!" "Then you shall." He finally likes your answer. He enters you slowly, and your eyes open in synch with the gradual entrance of his *choke* manhood. You've never felt so full, physically, emotionally or spiritually. You instinctively wrap your legs around him, diggin your heels in his firm, tanned, could-bounce-a-quarter-off-of arse. As he re-enters you over and over again, you could swear you hear heavenly choirs sing, but it was just the drunken serenade of the pirates on deck, all celebrating their victorious town-sacking. Your breaths become heavier with each rueful entry, and eventually you feel your muscles tightening around his, as his does around yours. The image of two crabs locked into combat come to mind. Evenutally, you see several bright flashes of light and you feel yourself climaxing as though you never did before. Well actually you never did before because Brutus was bad at sex, so Jack was like your first climax. Interestingly enough, despite the difference between men and women's arousal systems, Jack managed to orgasm just as you did, and therefore, the crew outside was startled by the sudden screams of "OH GOD, JACK!" and a growled out name "Pearrrrrrllllll" from inside his cabin. Mr. Gibbs, the portly quartermaster nodded a knowing smile and said to the rest of the crew "Aye...the Captain's finally found her." They all clapsed their hands in joy, that their beloved Captain had finally found *true* happiness, and all turned back to scrubbing and mopping the decks, whistling all the while. Kinda like The Seven Dwarfs. The Pearl was the bestest home they ever had, and they'd do everything to make sure it stayed that way forever more. Back in the Captain's Quarters, you lay beside the man your heart had searched its whole dainty life for, engulfed in his strong, toned, tanned, man arms. He stroked your hair between little intervals of kisses. His eyelids were starting to droop, and rightfully so as he had a full day of delegating duties and successfully ransacking a town, *AND*, most of all, finding and uniting his cyclops with his true love after all this time. As you watched your Captain drift off into a sexy sleep, you hear two words escape his sexy lips: "My Pearl..." [BREAK] Editor: MY EYES! MY EYES! I'VE NEVER READ SUCH EPIC [CORNY) ACTS OF LOVE [GRATUITOUS SCREWING AROUND) BEFORE!!! I have to wash my hands.after writing something that bad, they feel so dirty.I mean, it even has Growling! Jack in it. What've I done! [END BREAK] The next day, as the townspeople were cleaning up the rubble and general damage to the area, your husband strode through the town, on his way up to the battlement. There he was met with several wounded soldiers. He had no scratch on his body, as he barricaded himself in his house when he *should* have been fighting the pirates alongside his soldiers. There, he found an angry looking Commodore Norrington of the British Royal Navy. "Hello, James...great work you and your men did here last night, I myself was knocked out in the heat of battle, but I must say that I am disappointed that you weren't able to save me woife." The creep lied. He knew damn well you ran for your life after he said he was gonna trade you in for his! "What? I'm terribly sorry, Governor!" Norrington said. "As a matter of fact, I heard a rumour that Jack Sparrow managed to escape with a princess, though I was unaware that there was one on this island." "That was no damn princess, don'cha see! THAT WAS ME WOIFE!" The gross man jumped around like Donkey Kong. "Well...wait, how did you know, if you were rendered unconcious?" *PLOT HOLE!* "That don't matter..." Brutus continued threateningly..."Alls I want, is me wench of a woife back. IT IS MY RIGHT!" Commodore Norrington said stiffly, with an evil look on his face while thinking "AT LAST I WILL CAPTURE SPARROW!" "Yes, sir. We shall set sail after the Black Pearl this morning." * * * * * CHAPTER 3 – OH NO! SAVE ME!!!! You SCURRY around, trying to get yourself together for the inevitable battle that's about to ensue. Heart thumping, you want to cry but your tears are like, PETRIFIED in their tear ducts! After a wonderful interlude with Captain Jack, you managed to drift off to sleep, only to be awoken by a desperate thumping on the door to the Captain's Quarters. The scruffy yet somewhat petable quarter master and obviously trusted friend of Jack's breathlessly informed Jack of a Navy ship hot on the waves of the Black Pearl. "Jack, the lass' husband's comin' after 'er and he's brought the whole damn Navy with 'im!!!" How the hell did Mr. Gibbs know that Brutus was on the ship? We're not sure. He's a pirate and a good one at that. Oh wait.okay yeah he saw him through his spyglass! Yeah! Okay that works. The obvious, horrible thoughts run through your mind. "What if he kills me.what if he kills Jack! What if I lose the one great love of my life?! Surely it was better to rot on that island not knowing true love, than it will be to find it and have it RIPPED away from me!" [BREAK] Editor: Wait, wait, WAIT. The hell.can you stop interrupting me?!?!?! Editor: I'm SORRY, but she's in "love?!?!" THEY JUST FREAKIN' MET! Haven't you heard of "love at first sight?" Editor: [Gazes longingly at nothingness) Yes. Once. [cues piano guy). Piano guy: Hm. Maybe the sad theme song from The Incredible Hulk series? Editor: Anyway, what Pearlie there is experiencing is what we call "wuv" not "love." FINE! [END BREAK] "Darling." Your thoughts are disrupted by your [sigh) WUVver's voice in the ghastly, frightening darkness. You turn and notice that Jack is fully dressed, making sure that his pistol is loaded with enough bullets. When he is satisfied that he has enough to bring down a horse, he looks at you stern, but pleadingly. "I want you to stay put. Everything will be alright, I promise." "Jack, no. I can't let you! Let's sail away! This is the fastest ship in the Caribbean! Surely we can outrun them!" The tears. The WOE! You were pleading at this point. The pirate captain steps over to you with cool, measured strides, with a look of resolve on his face. "Ah, crap." you thought to yourself. "No dice." "Darling. Just remember two things. One, I don't run away from anything or anyone." "But what about Commodore Nor." You start, but he shushes your lips shut like a beak with two ring adorned fingers. "Two. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow. Savvy?" He smirked, but his smirk is fleeting as he notices you shaking your head "No," no you did not "savvy" at all. The hell was that supposed to mean, anyway? Suddenly a smooth voice speaks up from the darkness, and you see a really strangely dressed pirate step forward up to Jack's shoulder, where the pirate places on black gloved hand on your wuv's shoulder. "I'll look after her, mate." Says the man. "What is that around his eyes? They look like really dark spectacles." You think to yourself of the stranger. "Bono." Jack greets the man in a man-hug.you know the kind. They just hug really briefly with one arm over each other.never a full embrace, more like a shoulder touch. "Where did you just come from?" Bono takes your hand and kisses it in greeting. "I'm Captain Bono of the good ship U2. I happened to be sailing by when I noticed your Pearl here being pursued by that raggedy old Navy ship over yonder." Editor: Who just happens to be sailing by? Who DOES that??? "This isn't your fight, mate." Jack tells the man, but Bono will have nothing of it. "Mate, you have helped me out on many a scrape before. Imagine the embarrassment I would have suffered if you hadn't with your silver tongue, turned my miscounting "Uno, dos, tres, CATORCE!" ditty, into a brilliant explanation of it being my 14th album, and thus my paying homage to that. I told you I owe you, and I'm about to pay up. You look confused. What kind of "album" was the mad pirate talking about? A picture album? What do picture albums have to do with songs, and embarrassment and not being able to count properly in Spanish? Then again, you thought.noticing your wuvver's odd stance and two and fro motions, maybe crazy pirates just hang out together.They do after all seem to call each other "mate" at the end or beginning of every sentence. Jack hands Bono a spare pistol that he keeps lying around in case of emergency. "Know how to use one of these, mate?" "No need, mate. I've brought my own." Bono replies with a smile. A wiry pirate then comes walking through the door. A pirate they call "Edge" for he is excellent with a blade. "ROIGHT! LES GEH OUT THERE AND START SOME SERIOUS FOIGH'IN!" On the Navy Ship aptly named "Pirate Killer," Brutus watches the distant Pearl through steely eyes. "Too bad yeh decided to leave me, yeh wench.because now yer either gonna DOIE, or wish yeh had!" James Norrington looks to the Governor standing at his right through concerned eyes, yet his expression manages to keep his concerns known only to himself. Who is he concerned for? You? Himself? Brutus? Nobody knows but the Commodore. Meanwhile, on the horizon not too far away, another spyglass is held up by another hand on ANOTHER SHIP! The knuckles are hairy, as they belong to the ship's Captain, Gor Gor, the Gorilla King of Bamboo Treat Island. With a snarl as sickening as the teeth bore by it, Gor Gor speaks to himself "Finally, Sparrow.it's taken a long time for me to catch up to you, but here we are.and lookie lookie.you even have me future bride with you." [BREAK] Editor: Okay, can't wait for your epic new chapter [rolls eyes). Just tell me why Edge there sounds like a cross between Billy Idol and Russell Crowe? * * * * * To be continued. Like an old Knight Rider episode. I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seats. [grin) * * * * * CHAPTER 4 – The Obligatory Chapter Where Jack Runs After You Will Turner looked at the disappearing vessel bearing the name that he could not figure out was promise or proven. "Pirate killer…" he said out loud to himself as he read the name of the ship through his spyglass, "Well I see they let ol' Norrington name the ship himself." "Who are you talking to, dear?" Mrs. Elizabeth Turner put her hand on her husband's shoulder, trying to grab his attention. In her other arm, she held their son whom they named after their friend Jack (Of course…). "No one…" Will said darkly. She knew that look on his face, as she had seen it so many angst ridden times before. "What is it, Will? We were expecting you home this afternoon. Poor little Jack started crying in his crib…bored no doubt…he unfortunately has inherited his father's sense of adventure." The baby squirmed in Lizzie's arms as she tried to stop him from clutching his father's spyglass. "Aye, as did he inherit his mother's…" Will looked at his wife oh so lurvingly. You know the look…hell anyone who saw the movie knows the look. Elizabeth looked at him expectantly, awaiting an answer to her question. Will caught her look, sighed like a freakin' hero and turned away, facing the horizon…ah yes…the horizon…the thing that is almost every hero's weakness. Ever notice how all heroes need to gaze or walk off into horizons? "They've gone after Jack." Again, there's that angsty look. Elizabeth looked almost conflicted for a moment and then stepped up to her husband. "Will, I thought we agreed to put a stop to all this gallivanting around with pirates at least until Jack is in his terrible twos. You know we can't have a child aboard a ship…" [BREAK] Editor: You've outdone yourself with nonsense this time. What do you mean? Editor: Firstly, how on earth can Will see the name on a ship that has departed a good half-day ago? Spyglasses, hell, even telescopes aren't that advanced… Dude…haven't you ever learn to suspend your disbelief??? Can an elephant fly??? NOOOO…but you sure as hell bought that if you stick a feather in a baby elephant's trunk, it'll soar like a freakin' Boeing jet, now didn'cha!!! Editor: Okay FINE…I'll chalk it up to one of your charming plot holes, but I mean…did you HAVE to go the route of Will and Liz having a baby and naming it Jack? Did you really have to continue the awful tradition of Lizzie being the angelic ANGEL whose intentions are always pure and righteous, even though you just read in Terry's blog that she's more conniving than a gaggle of pirates?!?!?! In the tradition of classically bad fics, I will write Liz as a true, honest, law abiding but pirate loving woman, YA DIG? Editor: FINE! I quit then! Good by me! I'll get another "editor" to sit on her butt while I try to plageri…I MEAN dream up more awesome gratuitous amorous crap with the help of Harlequin romance novels in future chapters! Editor: There's gonna be more? Didn't you hear me? I'm writing a traditionally bad fic here! I have to have more! Too much more! More smut than plot is what they say… Editor: Alright, back to our story then. [End BREAK] Elizabeth looked at her husband's always-angst-ridden face. Never has a hero type been so tortured but here we have it. Will then clenched both fists at his side, cursing his Royal Navy uniform. He never felt comfortable in it. He found it restricting, as if the uniform was an extension of his father-in-law, Weatherby Swann's arm, who always kept an eye on him since the day the blacksmith proposed to his only daughter. The job was part of the governor's "wedding present" to Will. When he put the uniform on for the first time, instead of cloth, he felt Governor Swann's warm body hugging his arms and legs in place, almost a garnet red plea to "Stay put and behave yourself." Yes…Governor Swann's warm, sweaty body… [BREAK] Editor: DUDE! SORRY…sorry…couldn't resist. [End BREAK] Will tore at the gold buttons on the jacket and in the process tore a manly big hole near his heart. [BREAK] Editor: Nice symbolism! He ROARED in frustration, and baby Jack wailed as his mother held him tightly to her chest. "Will!" Elizabeth said sternly. "What are you doing? Father hates it when you tear your uniforms like that!!!" Will Turner hopped down the stone steps of the battlement to face his wife, where he took her in his arms and apologized for his manly outburst! "I must go…he needs us, Elizabeth…and I owe him so much…" He looked at his wife pleadingly. Elizabeth responded by rounding off her mouth and jutting her bottom jaw out as much as she could without looking like Jay Leno. Again, you all know they look. She fixed her defiant look onto her husband, meeting him eye-to-eye. "What do you owe him, Will?" "He freed me. He FREED ME!!!! And he freed you!!!" (Cue freeing violinny, "He's a Pirate" music! QUICK!) Elizabeth smiled at her husband and then gave him her blessings. "Then GO, my husband! I will stay here with Jack." With one swoop, Will Turner was off to commandeer a ship, and help his friend. Meanwhile, back on the Pearl, Anamaria shouted orders at her shipmates, while Jack, wild eyed, formulated a plan with his comrades Bono and the Edge. "Shall we swing over there and take care of business? Or do you want him to come to us?" Bono asked, all smiles. "OY SAY WE GO TO 'EM, CAP'N SPARRA' THEN WE GET 'EM WITH THE ELEMENT OF SURPROISE!!!" Edge offered. Clearly this pirate was ready for a fight. [BREAK] Editor: Seriously, what's with the Billy Idol thing? Shut up! [End BREAK] Captain Jack looked thoughtfully at the approaching "Pirate Killer." What was he to do? Surely there would be an advantage to having them swing into an ambush on the Pearl, but did he want to risk the life and wellbeing of his most precious treasure on board? Finally, the pirate came to a decision. "I say we let 'em come to us, Bono…" Jack smiled, hands flailing of course. "…That way…they'll be on our turf, and…" [SPLASH!!!] The sound of water splashing below jarred the Captain out of his thoughts. All three men rushed to the other side, closest to the Captain's Quarters and looked in horror over the edge. In the water, flailing about, trying to catch her breath is you. When you catch breath again, you look up to see Jack's wide eyes looking down at you, speechless. "I'm sorry, Jack!!! I just…couldn't bear to be the reason for all this trouble! So I've taken myself out of the equation!!! I threw myself overboard!!! If we are truly meant to be together, you'll find me again!!! But for now, I won't be the cause of you losing your ship…your other great love! I'll see you later, Jack…" With one last gulp of air, Jack sees you dive under the surface. "PEEEEEEEEEARL!!!!!!!!!!" Jack laments and quickly rushes up onto the side to jump over board after you. Captain Bono held Jack's effects as Jack swan dove off the side of the Pearl…uh, the ship Pearl…really this guy needs to learn other female names…Bono understood love…love, as he often said, it is his muse. As Jack braced to jump, he gave a quick nod to Bono as his friend assured him "Go after her, Jack…we'll take care of your ship." [BREAK] Editor: She's so noble…yeeeeesh. Aye! She's like, fragile, yet strong! Like a broken superwoman or something! Editor: (Shakes head) [End BREAK] The water is cold and rough, (yes dammit, even in the Caribbean in the day time!) you still however, manage to swim far below surface, and hold your breath longer than you thought humanly possible. Only now, however, you start thinking "Where the hell am I gonna go?!?! There's no island in sight, is there???" You start to panic, unaware that a few feet behind you was Jack himself, trying to find a trace of you under the surface. You break the surface, gasping for air. You look around, and terror sets in. NO FREAKIN' ISLAND!!! Just as you are about to resign yourself to your inevitable watery death, (drama queen you are), a sudden shout and a splash brings your attention to a rope that has been thrown overboard a nearby ship for you just 10 feet away. You would think that you'd have noticed the ship before you jumped but eh, who cares about details. Hardly believing your luck, you swim frantically towards the rope. You only wonder who threw the rope aboard as you notice that this is not a navy ship. You land on deck with a flop, and you lay on your stomach for awhile as you cough up water and gasp for air once again. You gasp as you notice that the feet just inches away from your face are hairy. Looking up, you see the dreadful face of Gor Gor. Surprisingly, he smiles and offers you his hairy hand. "Welcome aboard, my princess." You look at his hand cautiously and grab it. Heck, anyone who calls you his princess can't be all bad, right? So what if he's a gigantic Gorilla. Did Beauty and the Beast not teach you anything? "Who are you?" You ask, shaken. Damn, he even has a blue arse sticking out from under his coat. [BREAK] I know what you're gonna say! How does a gorilla have a baboon's arse, right?!?! Editor: Well, yeah… Cross-breeding…we'll get into it in a bit. Editor: …Ew! [End BREAK] "I am Gor Gor, King of Bamboo Treat Island." "I'm…." you begin, but are cut off instantly by Gor Gor's finger on your quivering lips (you're a princessy type, remember?) "I know who you are, princess." (Of course he does…even though you've never met him face to face before…sure, makes perfect sense). "You are the one who will free our people from their hairy bodied prisons. You…are me future bride." How many husband types can one woman have??? You widen your eyes in part fear and part realization. It can't be! Your mother told you stories when you were little of the Great Gorilla people from a fabled island, a people whom were great workers and who had an abundant crop yield eons ago, however the king of the people, Larry, got cocky and decided to stop giving thanks to the harvest god, proudly stating that his people were so gifted with the green thumb, that they didn't even need blessings. This angered the harvest god, who cursed them to roam the earth as mammals with opposable thumbs, but not as men…but as gorillas. Stupid…arrogant…scornful animals. (The author would like to apologize to those whom may be offended by the last statement. Nobody in association with the author bears any ill will to the majestic gorilla. This is just for dramatic effect, and certainly, no gorillas nor gorilla kings were harmed in the making of this drivel.) "I…have heard of your people, king Gor Gor…but…what do I have to do with anything? I'm but a maid from…" You are positively shaking at this point. The thought from going from Brutus to Gor Gor is just inconceivable. "Yes, yes…you were but a baby…” you are cut-off from your thoughts by Gor Gor’s raspy, low voice, “…But when your parents had problems with their barren land, I happened to be visiting the island on summer vacation! I was but a small boy, but when my father met your mother, he made a deal with her. Our great harvesters would work on your puny, infertile land until it became rich with food, and profitable crops…and then, you would marry me upon reaching adulthood, for father didn't believe I could find a mate on my own. He thought that I would never meet a nice gorilla…unlike my do-gooder brother Ga Gan. No…Ga Gan is a FOOL! I never settled for what the heathen gods (ah, them again) did to us…he would preach that we needed to become humble, good people to break the curse. HOG WASH! I say…this is our lot in life…so let's just say that father and I never saw eye to eye…" Turning back towards you, you see the EE-VIL in Gor Gor's face…you know this monkey is a force to be reckoned with. He places his hand on your face again, this time, sending shocks of disgust up and down your fragile form. "…Until now. He finally did something right by making a most satisfying choice for bride for me…and quite frankly…only by breeding with the humans again can we ever hope to become human again." [BREAK] Editor and sound tech guy: EW!!!! She's gonna have to do it with HIM!?!?!?! (IN STEREO!) SHH! [End BREAK] "Ew!!!!!!" The partial-word escapes your lips before you could clasp your palms over your mouth. The entire crew of monkeys looks at you in shock at your disrespect, and Gor Gor is livid. He roars like Kong and starts jumping up and down. His crew follows suit. "INSUFFERABLE HUMANS!!!!!!!! YOU WILL FEEL THE WRATH OF GOR GOR!!!! YOU CAN KISS YOUR PRETTY HUMAN LIFESTYLE GOODBYE NOW, DEAR ONE!!!!!!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE ONE AGAIN!!!!!!!! DAMN SKIPPY!!!!!" You scuttle to the railing of the ship, ready to jump back overboard. Hell anything was better than this! Unfortunately, his gorilla sized hands seize you by the neck. You gag as the gorilla king drags you back to his feet with a hard THUD. You try to scammer back on to your feet, but your efforts are only futile as with one hard swoop, he manages to send you skidding to the other side of the ship. You scream bloody murder!!! All on board cover their ears as they buckled under your high pitched wailing. Gor Gor slams one hairy palm over your mouth but to no avail. Your muffled screams are still too painful for the gorilla people. Gor Gor snarls and silences you the best way he knows how… CHOMP!!!!!!!!!! "YAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Seconds before, Captain Sparrow's gasping head broke the surface of the water just in time to hear the first of your screams. They're obviously coming from the tall ship just a mere 15 feet away from him. He squints his eyes in the sunlight just enough to see an obvious scuffle going on on board, and then comes the final, lurching scream followed by horrible silence. The Captain's heart skips a beat and he swims frantically over to the ship. Back on board, Gor Gor drags your limp, bleeding form towards the Captain's Quarters. His aforementioned brother, Ga Gan, sorrowfully approaches his brother, looking down at you pitifully as your unconscious body is held upright by the gorilla king's firm grasp on your hair. "Gor Gor! Did you have to bite her at the neck??? She can bleed to death!" "Calm down, stupid oaf of a brother…" Gor Gor snarled at Ga Gan, "I didn't bite her jugular. I bit her good enough to shut her up, and to leave a, shall we say, love mark?" Gor Gor smiled and laughed. All the crew jumped up and down with delight (HOO HOO HOO!) and hollered and hooted at the joke. (Hey, they're monkeys…) Meanwhile, nobody notices the Captain of the Black Pearl climbing up the side of the ship. Back on the Pearl, Edge and Bono devise a plan of action. Mr. Gibbs and Anamaria shout various orders to load the guns and prepare for battle! Sea battles are just part of any pirate story!!! TBC... Ooo weeeee!!! We have what, two, maybe THREE epic battles coming up next, don't we! Of course there won't be great description of battle strategies or anything, but that's just GOOD Jack-story telling, ain't it!!! |